Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/UnBooks:Rorschach's journal (v2.0)
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UnBooks:Rorschach's journal [edit source]
Once again, emotional Rorschach demands YOU (YES, I'M REFERING TO YOU, <insert name here>) to pee on his journal once more before he goes retro-emo during the launch of his movie!
Notes: This article has been carefully improved after acknowledging the criticisms from the first pee. A. SHePerD 12:05, 3 March 2009 (UTC)
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| Humour: | 7.5 | This is pretty funny, as long as you know who Ror (that's what I'm calling him; his name is too hard to spell) is. If you don't, it's confusing, but it still works because you can relate a lot of the things to a normal-ish emo. I like how you say that suicidal kids are retarded (I don't actually like that part) and then how he considers at the end, making him a hypocrite, and, by his terms, a retard. I also like the comments about him comparing himself to the blue man, and the repetitive emo tags. More irony as he apparently hates gays but is sort of in love with the blue guy. The one big problem I have with this is at the end. I get the reference, and in general, it would be funny, but I don't like it in this article. You could keep it, but definitely change it up a bit. The "This is Snydaaaaaa!" part isn't that funny in my opinion. |
| Concept: | 8 | Easily a very good concept. A little bit simple, but that's fine. This doesn't really need changed; it's pretty much good as it is. |
| Prose and formatting: | 3.5 | First off, something has to be done with the Unbooks and Wikipedia templates. You can't just have them overlapping into the journal entry. You can have them at the top, the bottom, or in between two articles, but they need to be moved. This sentence "HOWEVER HAD FUN BREAKING A RETARD'S FINGERS FOR MOCKING ME SMELLY." needs grammar improvements, add commas, and fix the smelly thing at the end, doesn't make sense. Also, use a term other than retard, since you've just used that about 2-3 sentences earlier. There are more mistakes with misplaced commas in such. Do a readthrough looking out for this tuff, especially in October 13th, 1985, 8:30 P.M. In October 16th, 1985 Get rid of the ":)" it doesn't fit. More grammar mistakes here as well. The biggest issue I have is with the dates. All of them should have times, not just some. And none should have (#). The format isn't all bad though. I do love the brown/maroon boxes, they look good. i CHANGED some small grammar mistakes I saw, but there is still more. |
| Images: | 5 | The images that are there are funny enough, keep them, but change the caption on the womanizing one, as it doesn't make much sense with the journal entry. However, I would like to see 1 or 2 more. May I suggest one near the end, with Rorschach depressed or threatening to kill himself? This one isn't neccessary, but I do think that there should be at least 1 more pic. |
| Miscellaneous: | 6 | I liked this article. It's funny, but it does still need some final touch editing. |
| Final Score: | 30 | I wouldn't have nommed this already, it still needs a few fix-ups. |
| Reviewer: | Smokin' Cheddar BBQ: The King of the Triangular Snackfoods 21:38, 8 March 2009 (UTC) | |