Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/The Battle of Shall Not Pass
In 410 A.D., during the reign of
Heir of Carthage Patchy the Supreme Emperor, the West Roman City of Shall Not Pass was attacked by a mob of crappy spears group of fierce warriors from the tribe of the Thuringians. Some 4300 hairy stinky peasants warriors amassed from two different armies coming from the east barbarian city of Octodurun to try and sack the most fearsome bastion of defense in the West Roman Empire. The defending forces under the command of another hard as crap name to pronounce Anatolius Pullus were comprised of 2255 other less hairy and less stinky men Roman legionaries and auxiliaries; these soldiers were prepared to vigorously repel the 487th assault within the last few turns years.
The city disposition was one more problem faced by the garrison. The
soon to be IMPLODED by Patchy coliseum in the town center afforded once again easy access to the grease weasel barbarian forces, leaving the defending garrison with a hard time in placing archers and legionaries in a position of strength and not shooting friendlies in the back unimpeded line of sight.
As soon as the enemies came inside the city, a barrage of arrows and plumbata darts ensued, decimating the enemy forces, despite the barbarian (axe wielding) units managed to break the barricades in the right side of the coliseum and engage the legio comitatenses who were there. At the same time in the left flank Roman spear units were holding their ground against the horde of
filthy barbarians enemies while the Roman archers fired away.
In a masterful, brilliant, beautiful move by the Equites units, the Roman cavalry, from
the same spot they camp every battle out of nowhere, delivered a fast charge against the back of the axe units in the right flank, who were overwhelming the defenses, saving that flank from total annihilation. The cavalry units followed up this movement by doing the same thing in the center of the battle and after much swearing by Patchy much struggle routed those units too.
In a mirror move, the legio units in the left flank managed to exploit their knowledge of the city streets and found themselves in a position behind the enemy lines. After throwing all their plumbata darts and darkening the sky they charged forward killing one of the enemy generals and causing the forces who remained to
pick up their skirts and run screaming flee.
At this time the second Thuringian army was approaching the city howling curses against the Roman forces, but in a desperate move the enemy general and his group attacked the left flank head on and was promptly welcomed by a massive volley of fire arrows followed by a charge of legionaries descending from the town center. The second enemy general unit, comprised of Germanic Nobles, was unable to retreat and after a tough fight was finaly vanquished.
Shortly after the demise of the second barbarian general all of the remaining Roman forces converged on the center fight and complety surrounded the enemy
stupid AI blob tatical formation of cheap AI spears, OMG AI warriors causing a beautiful chain rout to ensue and finally winning the battle decisively.
It was a Heroic Victory for the legendary
LEGENDARY, yes i mentioned only ONE time, we all know its LEGENDARY Patchy West Roman Empire. It is rumored that emperor Patchy visited shortly after to congratulate his troops on the defense of Emperor Patchy Summer House the city and gave away gold and glory to his valiant soldiers.
And revised by the historian Mithridates.