Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/HowTo:Club a baby seal
HowTo:Club a baby seal[edit source]
Dancing dude 01:03, September 25, 2010 (UTC)
| Humour: | 6 | Ok, so you have some decent ideas in here, the biggest issue as far as I'm concerned is that the article still feels a bit like a first draft. That's not to say it's poorly written, not at all; it's just that there isn't a whole lot of content in here, and the core idea seems underdeveloped. This is something I'll be discussing more in concept, but for now, let's just talk about your humour.
There aren't really any specific problems with your humour, there are however a few jokes that I think could use some work. I guess I'll just go through these in order of appearance. The first joke that really jarred for me was in your Getting Started section; which consisted of a single line, simply saying "don't". While I see what you're trying to do here, I don't feel this joke really works. It's inconsistent with the whole premise of the article, which is supposedly written by a narrator who wants you to go out and club seals. Why would he say something like this, something that contradicts his whole message. Try to stay consistent with your humour throughout. Then, in the section on what club to use, you make a joke about black people. This joke, I'm sorry to say, doesn't really work either. But let me explain what you're doing wrong so you know how to fix it and can avoid it in future. Putting a joke in brackets at the end of the sentence rarely works, and is a common mistake that many new writers make. It's just too cursory to be funny. Jokes need to build and flow, they need to get to grips with the material, and that's something you can't do with this format. If you're going to tell a joke, try to do it with prose; build up to it, twist the reader's expectations and then hit them with the punch line. Keep it all prose-based, that's the key here. You can try to re-work it if you want, however this joke isn't particularly strong anyway, and I think it's unlikely to work in any style. The problem with the whole "Black people are criminals" joke, for me, is that I don't think it makes sense. I mean, it's not like you don't get White criminals, or Hispanic criminals or Asian ones. I guess it's also a bit of a clichéd stereotype that we've heard a zillion times. Try something more original if you can. Maybe stick to the seal-killing theme, what kind of stereotypical characters might you get in there that the narrator can disapprove of? Maybe people who prefer to use guns in general? This would be a bit more relevant than racism in my opinion. So try something like this, for instance; "some people like to use guns, although I think that's just sick." Not a hilarious example, but I hope you see what I'm trying to do there. It's pulling apart the narrator and examining the absurdities of his beliefs rather than just relying on standardised racist remarks and common stereotypes. Try to make your jokes unique to the premise you've created here (the exact same thing applies to the "your mother" joke that appears later in the article). You also need to learn how to order your jokes a little better. Let's take a look at the Sarah Palin reference, and I'll show you what I mean. The line; " always see Sarah Palin there doing the same exact same thing. And it makes me feel stupid to know that I have the exact same hobby as Sarah Palin", is a bit clumsy. It doesn't really feel like it has a punch line. What you're doing here isn't really telling a joke, you're just describing a humorous event. The problem is, that in itself isn't very funny. With jokes it's all about the wording; how you say it. Don't spell it out so much for the reader, be more subtle. You can fix this joke quite easily just by removing some of the information. Try getting rid of the part where you say "doing the exact same thing". All you really need is the bit about her having the same hobby; the reader should be able to work everything out from that. This way, it kind of works like a punch line, and the reader is less likely to see it coming. So remember to use subtlety and implication rather than over explaining things. These comments don't just apply to the jokes I discuss here, bear them in mind when rewriting this article, and for any others you write in the future. |
| Concept: | 5 | The biggest problem conceptually is that you just don't go into enough detail about anything. Generally speaking, it needs more jokes. A lot of the paragraphs are just one sentence long and feel rather rushed. I think a lot of the time you're just relying upon the concept to make us laugh, and to be fair, the idea is fairly funny at first, but it's nowhere near enough to keep us laughing all the way through. Another problem is that the "abusive narrator" thing is something we've all seen before, you need some really great jokes to set it apart from all those other articles. Twist things and play with the reader's expectations. Or alternatively, refine the narrator character so instead of being needlessly abusive he has some other interesting traits. I'll take you through my ideas to generate more material, but ultimately it's up to you where you go.
You need to get to grips more with the concept. I didn't really get much of an impression of who the narrator was, which is a problem in an article like this that heavily relies upon the narrator's controversial opinions. Who is this guy? Why does he like to kill seals so much? Does he think it's funny? What kind of response does it get from his family, friends etc? What does he think of people who try to save the seals? Really try to go into detail about who this guy is and why he does what he does. Anecdotal stuff might help here. Maybe he could talk about some particularly interesting kills he's made, or when something's gone wrong? The key thing to remember of course is to make it funny. One of the better parts of the article, in my opinion, was the bit about what club to use, where the narrator says he likes the "metal 16x27 louisville slugger". What I liked about this was that it was so specific, it's like he's spent a long time thinking about this; about the best way to kill a seal, and I personally found that quite funny. If you could do more stuff like this throughout the article I definitely think it would help. This section really is one of the strongest because you get a clear idea of not only what this guy's preferences are, but what other people like to do. It's almost like a game of golf with all its etiquette. Try to explore this more, particularly in the more rushed, cursory parts like the section on what to wear, which is basically just one sentence and a picture. You can easily get more material in here, just talk more about what others wear, get specific like you do when you're talking about that club. This really goes hand in hand with the lack of jokes problem; the more detail you go into and more content you generate, the easier it should be to get jokes in there. You should be able to think lots more jokes, in fact. |
| Prose and formatting: | 6 | Your spelling and grammar is ok, not perfect but not bad either. I would definitely recommend a thorough proofread when you're done with it. If this is not a skill you possess, you know you can always solicit the aid of the proofreading service. Otherwise, a spellchecker can be useful (never trust them with your life though).
The biggest problem with the prose is that, again, you're rushing. It doesn't flow particularly well in my opinion. Don't be afraid to take your time when describing something, allow jokes to pop up and ideas to develop. As I think I've already said, be more descriptive; go into detail about what's happening here, all the gory details if necessary. When it comes to sorting out the flow of the prose, I find reading it out loud tends to help. Maybe try doing that, make sure it's all how you want it to be. Finally, just a quick note on formatting. Is it just me, or is there an abundance of hyperlinks? This isn't a major detractor or anything but it's certainly something to think about. I guess it just looked odd to me. |
| Images: | 4 | It seems I say this in every pee review these days, but you definitely need more images. I usually try to have images all the way down, or at least in every section. Don't allow the gaps between them to get too big. Another good thing about expanding the text is that it means you'll have more things to illustrate.
I would also recommend making the main image a lot bigger. You can move the HowTo template down if you need more room. My favourite was the one of the guy actually hitting the seal. That one fits really well with your concept and was also quite nice aesthetically. More images like this would be great. |
| Miscellaneous: | 5 | My gut feeling. |
| Final Score: | 26 | Right, so to sum up, the main thing you want to do here is get some more depth and, ultimately, humour in the article. Work on a few of those weaker jokes and perhaps have a think about what you can do to develop the good ideas you have here. Obviously everything here is just my opinion, but I hope it helps you wherever you decide to go. There are already some great stuff in here, and I don't think it will take that much work on your part to get it into much better shape. If there's anything I've said here that you want me to explain better, or if you want my opinion on anything I might have missed, please let me know and I'll try to help. I hope the review is ok. |
| Reviewer: | --Black Flamingo 21:13, November 6, 2010 (UTC) | |