Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Egyptian Gods
Egyptian Gods[edit source]
I know people think I just put theese here for a nom but I'd really value an informed opinion Sog1970 23:10, November 14, 2010 (UTC)
- Now that I finally have free time that isn't being spent generating large quantities of code, I will review this or pass out trying. 20:09, November 17, 2010 (UTC)
| Humour: | 7 | The humor that is already in the article is very well done overall, but it's my opinion that it needs a bit more. Currently there are some parts that I find extremely amusing (the correlation between the arisen Osiris and the Frankenstein monster, Anubis' allowance of only canines into the afterlife, and the morbidly obese Aamit) but there seems to be quite a lot of space between the really good bits. Some of the humor is a bit weak (or at least, I don't understand it) such as Isis reviving Osiris. You first say it's magic, then CPR, but then play it off as if it wasn't a big deal. In my opinion, it would be better if you either implied that the magical power that Isis possessed was actually just CPR but that no one else was able to figure it out (because she was a mystical goddess) or that it was real magic (or something) and that everyone else mistook it for CPR.
I would also suggest expanding either some of the sections by adding more anecdotes about the gods or adding sections dedicated to some of the other gods and weaving a humorous story between them. |
| Concept: | 6 | Once more, what's already there is good; but more is needed. You adequately cover some of the better known gods and touch on some of the lesser known ones, but it still falls short (not by much for some of the sections) of being really good. Perhaps you could discuss some of the god's hobbies as children or their favorite foods. More seriously, I would suggest fleshing out the backstory of each god (it was probably made up to begin with, why not make up some more?) to explain their current position. I am of the opinion that your section on Osiris and Isis is about the length that each section for a single god should be (which means it should wither be twice as long or split into two sections of that length).
Another thing I noticed was that there was a section on "The Book of Thoth" in an article about "Egyptian Gods." It would be better if your had a main section about Thoth (because he's an Egyptian god) and then make "The Book of Thoth" a sub-section of that. |
| Prose and formatting: | 7 | First I'm just going to list some of the spelling and grammar mistakes I noticed when reading. In your introduction, you misspelled the word "difficult" as "diificult". I also think that you should place a comma after the words "after death". The next error I can detect is in the Anubis section where you misspell "judgment". The final thing I see that needs fixed is that in the last section, you say that she "rolled mud" when I think you may have meant "rolled in mud".
Besides these errors, the rest of the article is fairly clean and the tone maintains an "encyclopedic joking" style. When you finish any revisions to this article, I'd suggest copy-pasting this into Word or something else with a spell-check to get rid of some of the typos. |
| Images: | 8 | All of the images are pertinent to the subject with humorous captions. The image with Horus may be a bit risque, but if no one else complains it might be fine. The last image is the only one that I have a problem with. With the clever captions for all the other pictures, this one is just labeled "Sobek". I'm on the verge of thinking that it may be enough, but I think that you can do better. |
| Miscellaneous: | 8 | A non-discouraging number. |
| Final Score: | 36 | I like the idea and I like how you've written the article so far, but you need more in there. If this was just another "run of the mill" article, the length would be fine, but as a compendium of gods it has a great deal of potential that isn't being achieved by leaving it out. Can't wait to see how this turns out. |
| Reviewer: | 00:02, November 19, 2010 (UTC) | |