UnScripts:Yes, I'm a lolita

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to: navigation, search
Unscriptlogo.png


This script art a part of

The UnScripts Project

Your personal Shakspearian folio of humor, love, woe and other silly emotions.


Main Paige | Marlowe of the Month | Requests | The Scripts Collection


Note: If you are too young to have a boyfriend, but you have noticed that your dad is older than your mom, perhaps your mom can use UnBooks:Mummy, why is father so old? to explain.

Synopsis[edit]

Note for anyone who may actually want to act this shit: Yes, we noticed that not much character-development is going on, the names are linguistically ambiguous, and no attempt is made at physically describing the characters. This is intentional. This is so that any actor could act these parts.

In a school full of conventional straights, gays, bisexuals, and even genderqueers, a Lolita is taken to be a very strange person indeed. Her existence may raise questions to her absurdly large number of friends. Why does she not have a boyfriend at school? Or a girlfriend? Even though she is at least average in appearance? Why does she not have a crush on any of the little boy singers? But the singers she does like are older and not so hot? And most importantly, why didn't anybody know about this before? To all these questions, the answer is Hello Kitty. Or something random and deep like that. We don't know. Within this story of drama and ignorance, jealousy and happiness, a young girl realises that her love is just as good as anyone else's. Enjoy the show everyone!

SCENE I[edit]
I told you I'm not fucking gay, Mindy.

Noon. The setting is a school cafeteria. Two 16 year old girls, Dolores and Mindy, walk in and sit down. As they begin to eat, the girls talk about boys.

Mindy: Hey Dolores! How have you been?
Dolores: Terribly suicidal. My mum died recently.
Mindy: (sadly) Oh well, what can you do. Wait a minute, I know something that can cheer you up! Let's talk about boys! I love One Direction!!! My favorite is Zayn. Who's your favorite?
Dolores: I don't like any of them.
Mindy: Hmmm... do you like Justin Bieber?
Dolores: No.
Mindy: Five Seconds of Summer? Big Time Rush?
Dolores: What kind of retarded summer have they had, that it was only five seconds? And no, I do not have a crush on any of those guys.
Mindy: OK... by any chance do you have a crush on Taylor Swift?
Dolores: You don't understand, Mindy. I don't like boys OR girls... I like older men! I'm a lolita!
Mindy (shocked, then ignorantly curious): So... does that mean you like paedophiles?
Dolores: No.
Mindy: Were you abused?
Dolores: (matter-of-factly) No.
Mindy: Okay... do you think our math teacher is hot?
Dolores (outraged): No! Mr Wilson is ugly as sin! What kind of whore do you take me for? I have standards too! Quit being ignorant.
Mindy (a little scared): I'm sorry. (not sorry) So does that mean you're a sugar baby?
Dolores: Please be quiet, Mindy; you haven't got a clue of what you're talking about. Yes, I only like grown men. No, I am not a slut. In fact, I have just the one boyfriend and he is very good to me, so good that he is the reason I remain alive. He loves & respects me, and I do the same for him. When I grow up, we're gonna get married.
Mindy (feeling the feels): That was so beautiful. Maybe I'll be a lolita as well, since you've found such a beautiful love to inspire you to go on living. By the way, what's the lucky man's name?
Dolores (exuberantly): Elias!!! ^_^

END OF SCENE I

SCENE II[edit]
So sexy! Too bad he's taken. And also deceased.

Now Dolores has gone to class. This time her friend Tamara, sitting in the desk next to her, is curious about Dolores' lover. But here Dolores encounters resistance, as you shall see...

Tamara: Hey Dolores! What's up!
Dolores: Nothing much. I'm happy because my boyfriend sent me a message just now.
Tamara: How cute! Can I see a picture of him?
Dolores: Sure! (opens facebook on her phone)
Tamara (looks at the picture, notices that he is about thirty years old): What the fuck, Dolores! Don't date this man! He is bad!
Dolores (grr): You don't even know him and already you don't like him! Where are you coming from with this shit!?
Tamara: That's not important. I just don't want you dating this man. Why don't I find you a nice boy your own age.
Dolores: No thank you, Tamara.
Tamara: (bitchy) This man is going to beat the crap out of you! I don't want you dating a man who is 25, 26, or 27 years old. And I definitely don't want you dating a 30 year old. If you stay with this man, I won't be your friend anymore.
Dolores: Whatever. (walks away) If anything, he's the one you should worry about! I occasionally scare him with my childish jealousies!

END OF SCENE II

SCENE III[edit]
I swear it's legit! Honest!

Last class of the day. Dolores has befriended a proud butch lesbian, Freddy. Since Dolores is not particularly girly herself, she is worried that Freddy will flirt with her. So, after class is over, Dolores decides to clear the air.

Dolores: Hey Freddy! May I have a word with you?
Freddy: Shoot.
Dolores: Just in case you thought I was gay, I have something to say. I'm straight. But I only like older men. Is that bad?
Freddy: (slightly disappointed; Dolores is somewhat adorable) As long as he's not abusing you, this seems legit.
Dolores: (relieved; she is routinely mistaken for gay) Thanks for hearing me out. I just needed to put it out there.
Freddy: Well, I think people shouldn't be ashamed of who they are. I found out I was gay in kindergarten, when I had my first kiss.
Dolores: Fascinating. I found out I was a lolita when I was thirteen. But even before then, I knew I didn't really like the boys my own age. I wanted to like them, but I just didn't feel it.
Freddy: It's okay. If you like older men, more power to you. I myself can't stand immature people. See you later!
Dolores: Have a nice day!
(The girls go their separate ways and walk home.)

END OF SCENE III

SCENE IV[edit]

Weeks later. Just after crappy-breakfast time. Dolores is feeling confident enough to photoshop romantic artworks and put that shit on facebook. Having finished the awful school breakfast, she walks up to her friend Lupe to have a random conversation. But of course the chat turns to her artworks...

Dolores: Heyyyyy Lupe! :)
Lupe: heyyyy :) So I hear you already want to get married?
Dolores: Actually, boyfriend was the first to suggest that. But I told him to wait until I grow up.
Lupe: Oh, ok. That's good. I was thinking of doing the same thing-- as soon as I graduate I will GTFO and get married.
Dolores: Seems legit. See you in class!
Lupe: Byeee! :P
(They walk to their first class of the day.)

END OF SCENE IV

SCENE V[edit]
"I think it looks beautiful when girls play the guitar..." --Elias

Friday night. Dolores, at home, chatting on Facebook. We finally get to meet... Elias! Oh, did we not mention he is an internet boyfriend? Well, there it is. So this entire scene is chat messages.

Dolores: (looks at Elias' sexy selfie, jealously notices another woman's like) Who the fuck is Elsa?
Elias: She is just a friend on facebook. We did some stuff, but now my love is only for you.
Dolores: (relieved) OK. I forgive you. >muuua!<
Elias: >mua<
Dolores: I love you so much, sweetie. Don't you ever leave me.
Elias: I will never leave you. I love you forever, my little angel. I could wait a thousand years for us to meet.
Dolores: (many feels) But you don't have to wait a thousand years! Just five years!
(Both send crying emojis)

Five minutes later...
Elias: Do you want to make love with me? I'm so horny... (sends dick pic)
Dolores: It's so big! ^_^
Elias: I want to kiss you and make you happy... it's gonna feel so good...
Dolores: Oh yes... :3
(...you get the idea. The point is that even make up sex can happen through chat. Eventually they finish, and Dolores goes to sleep, happily dreaming of Elias.)

END OF PLAY