UnNews:Windows 8 linked to testicular cancer
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
12 October 2011
Boston, Massachusetts
Windows users were dealt a shocking blow today after it was revealed that leaked betas of Windows 8 are directly linked to testicular cancer. The shocking news came as new British Medical Journal studies revealed that new hardware used on the Windows 8 tablet was a direct cause of testicular cancer. According to sources inside Microsoft, this comes as no surprise.
One anonymous member of the Microsoft Office development team told UnNews that Microsoft have been working on hardware and software features in the past that, when tested, have led directly to severe aches in the balls for many users. An insider in the Microsoft Windows 7 Mobile team also made an admission that there may also be links with breast cancer, as several female testers described it as a "pain in the tits."
Although further studies need to be conducted, there is a great deal of evidence coming in via anonymous tips from former members of the Microsoft Windows Vista development team. One anonymous member of the "resolving your issue" team, now categorically unemployable, took time away from repeated abuse of Class A controlled substances to inform us that "Vista was rife with allegations of terrible swollen balls and breasts."
Bill Gates, who was away in Africa trying to take good laptops away from children to introduce them to the western tyranny of Windows sidestepped the issue by noting that several companies have employed both unfair working practices and have also been involved in health scare. Mr Gates, who refused to discuss the allegations of weasel raping and car bombing in Microsoft's Wisconsin offices, made an allusion to the recent death of Steve Jobs saying that he deeply missed the over-exaggerated "impresario".
He lashed out at Jobs' funeral directors, saying that the funeral would already be in progress had it not been for the home using iTunes to sync corpses with coffins. This was an allusion to yesterday's farce where 7 attempts to auto-sync followed by 4 manual draggings of corpses resulted in no filled coffins.
This news comes as nothing new in the world of technology, where such stories are often shushed up and kept from appearing on the news, with few seeing the light of day. Microsoft was charged by the Guatemalan Supreme Court yesterday for using Mexican migrant workers to buy mass quantities of BlackBerry phones at the low exchange rate. Apple has also been charged for unfair working practices by employing mass quantities of mentally challenged people and for maintaining their optimism through the use of MDMA (also known as 'Ecstasy') and cocaine.
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