UnNews:We all wear masks and suck
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
14 March 2013
Recent studies reveal that probably each of us is something else than what we pretend to be, that we wear masks to hide the fact, and that we all suck. These surprising things were revealed early this afternoon when UnNews interviewed nameless sources downtown.
"Yeah man", said the first source, "fakes all around. I went to apply for a job in some fucking office or whatever, and they kept asking me these questions. I saw in seconds that the guy was a fake. He asked about things he shouldn't have known about me, like my age, where I was born, and so on. I mean, that's classified information. So I saw he knew things no ordinary folks can know. He was a demon wearing a mask - but I couldn't prove anything, and I knew that if I had asked, he would have lied. This happens to me all the time. The guy at the gas station - he lives in the sewer, actually. He creeps back there in the evening after leaving his skin at the station. He's rat-size. And the bus drivers. They're just robots with human faces. Listen to them laugh! Clearly not human. But don't tell anyone or they'll come after me... wait! You're one of them, aren't you? I knew it! You are! Get away from me!! GO TO HELL!! GO BACK TO HELL FROM WHENCE YOU CAME! Pater noster..." --- and our source grew incoherent at this point. We didn't want to interfere with his scientific concentration, so we left him to his studies.
The second source was far more concise than the first one, and gave us the gist of his findings in clear terms: "You suck like all the rest of the world. FUCK YOU!"
I, for one, was a bit surprised to find out I'm a fake and that I suck, so I will obviously need to readjust my priorities. We at UnNews are planning to report back to you when it becomes a bit more clear what this turn of events actually means.