UnNews:Uncyclopedia Updating Ufaff
22 February 2011
The Whole World - Alert! --
Some thought it would never happen. Others believed that it would happen, but they'd never see it in their lifetime. Others said that it was destined to happen. Some others thought it couldn't happen. And Nicolas Cage thought about his shit "acting" style, believing it to be the best since Laurence Olivier. Uncyclopedia, that grey old dog, has decided to update itself to move with the times, like it's cooler, more intelligent and sexually frustrated brethren Wikipedia.
A Time of Hope
An interview with Tom Cruise today concluded that the updates will take place at some, presently unknown, time in the next 60 years. "Look, all we [Uncyclopedia] want to do is encourage younger teens - maybe even as young as nine year olds - to log on, and start taking the piss out of someone like Hitler, or blacks, or whatever other minority or tyrranical leader they can think of. I think these updates will reflect that." When asked how the updates will create an ease of use, he replied, "Well, one thing I am authorised to tell you about is a neat little thing where, as soon as you log on, you're encouraged to write a joke - the more racist or offensive it is, the better. It's just promoting a playfulness in younger children...that Michael Jackson would certainly have liked." Real Uncyclopedia officials have refused to comment on the updates, believed to be in production this very moment by your mum. Mr. Cruise, 67, couldn't comment any more in the interview, stating that his "alien masters" would not be happy with him giving away so much information.
The Clone Wars: Uncyclopedia Under Attack?
Although Uncyclopedia has been a world leader in its progression of intellectual and technological learning and/or ignoring, some of the tests (referred to as articles within the group) have been slated for their offensive, and often untidy, works. Dr. Adrian Busybody, a leading philanthropist and (occasional) recreational psychiatrist, tried to explain the need for dangerous tests, "It's called the Electronpicat Problem, where people feel that the more boundary-pushing they go, the further they might go in popularity with people who know they wrote that. It starts with the Neogra Complex in the lower frontal lobe of the brain, then moves to the subconscious levels of adrenaline within the arm muscles. Quite simply, people start writing and cannot stop. It's a way of placing racist thoughts onto paper without getting into serious trouble from their parents, the police, Roman Catholics, slightly nosey pedophiles or Kermit the Frog." Through this mumbo-jumbo, various experts have stated that Dr. Busybody has no idea what he is talking about and is, clearly, a busybody.
In this humble reporter's opinion, the updates that are planned for Uncyclopedia will probably not happen for many years yet. Various experts (in fact, the ones from above!) have seen the fabled Uncyclopedia site, and they believe that the shoddy up-keep and general low-brow intelligence of the articles and jokes makes it pointless updating for a bunch of geeks and/or warmongers. So, keep your eyes in your head, look occasionally at YouPorn and other free porn sites, and watch this space - one day, you might log onto your secret Uncyclopedia account and found that it looks more like Wikipedia than usual!