UnNews:Tom Cruise, who is not gay, weds Katie Holmes
19 November 2006
After months of speculation and the birth of his alleged (there is speculation if Tom is capable of normal procreation) biological daughter, Suri, Tom Cruise finally marries adopted daughter, Katie Holmes. The couple married in a 15th century castle in Bracciano, Italy- in honour of a time where incest was far more popular.
The ceremony was attended by some of Hollywoods finest, including everyone's favourite transvestite, Brooke Shields. In addition to human guests the wedding also welcomed the likes of spawn of stick insect, Victoria Beckham.
Notably, Cruise (who is not gay), did not have to wear tin can stilts to make him appear as tall as his daughter/wife. This is because Tom Cruise is a very tall man who has always been drawn to very short women such as Mimi Rogers (small) and Nicole Kidman (tiny). Cruise's tall and masculine frame has been a source of embarrassment for him from early in his career, prompting him to insist on being shot from angles that make him appear shorter than he really is.
The couple were married by leader of the cult of Scientology, L Ron Hubbard. The cult is popular among actors who need a publicity stunt to distract the public from speculation surrounding their homosexual tendencies. Scientologists’ weddings are similar to others, but the ceremony concludes with two guests chosen at random to be sacrificed to the alien overlord.
Suri was very proud of her mother, and was pleased to join the family of such a venerable actor. She is a bit confused about calling him "Dad" when he is clearly more of a grandfather, but she stated in an interview with ConfusedCuise Magazine that she was getting used to the idea. Tom's former (also not gay) "roommate" George Michael cried all through the ceremony, and gave Tom a very manly congratulatory masculine hug and kiss followed by assgrab at the end of the ceremony.
After the ceremony, Cruise exclaimed “today is the happiest day of my life, Katie was such an obedient daughter and now she is my loving wife. I can only hope that when the time comes for me to marry Suri she will be half the woman that Katie is”.
- Reuters/AP "Tom and Katie's Castle Wedding." Sydney Morning Herald, November 19, 2006