UnNews:Tiger Woods renews pact with Satan

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28 August 2006

Tiger unleashed the dark, eldritch power bestowed upon him by Satan, the Prince of Evil.

AKRON, Ohio -- For three straight holes in a playoff this Sunday, Tiger Woods could only stand to the side of the green and pray to his Lord and Master, Satan, to allow him to win the Bridgestone Invitational.

Fortunately for Woods, he renewed his unholy pact with the Prince of Darkness earlier this year.

Woods hit an 8-iron through a driving rain into 8 feet on the fourth extra hole, then with supernatural assistance, made the birdie putt to beat Stewart Cink at Firestone South. This was Woods's fourth consecutive victory.

It came on the 10th anniversary of his first meeting with the Most Evil One, and it gave Woods his 52nd career victory to match Byron Nelson for fifth all time.

"Just end this thing now, sweet Satan," Woods said he pleaded to his god on the birdie putt at No. 17. "If I make mine, it's over." And it was, but not before a roller-coaster round that capped off a strange week.

Woods ended his round Friday by hitting a 9-iron over the green, onto the clubhouse roof and down the other side. He followed that by making four straight bogeys Saturday, his longest such streak in nearly 10 years.

Under darkening clouds in the final round, he went from a two-shot deficit to a three-shot lead in a span of four holes, then lost a three-shot lead over the final three holes to slip into a playoff.

"I owe it all to the mercy of the King of Abomination to even be in the playoff," Woods said.

The result was familiar, especially at this event. Woods now has won five times at Firestone, the most of any golf course on the PGA Tour. He has won four times each at Augusta National and Torrey Pines.

His latest winning streak required more than a little luck. Woods has won his last four starts, his longest winning streak since he won six in a row at the end of the 1999 season and the beginning of 2000. That was Woods at his peak, before Satan began to test his faith by making his play erratic and inconsistent. Satan doesn't always let Woods win easily.

"You don't have a chance to beat Tiger in a playoff if the Devil is on his side," Cink said.

Cink, who missed an 8-foot par putt that would have won on the third playoff hole, hit into the bunker and blasted out to 6 feet on the 17th. Before he could save par, he wound up shaking hands with Woods and watching him collect another World Golf Championship.

"I still pray to that loser, Jesus Christ, and he doesn't," Cink said. "That's why he has the trophy."