UnNews:Thousands of parents arrested on child abuse charges after opening holiday gifts

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Monday, December 25, 2017

AW NAW, THAT'S TOO SMALL, GO GET ANOTHER ONE


West Lompoc - Thousands of parents were arrested by their local police departments on child abuse and endangerment charges this Christmas morning when children who asked for a "Switch" for Christmas got exactly what they wanted: a severe beating about the head and neck with a slender branch from a tree, often being forced to go into their yards and pick the weapon of their own unmaking.


Parents confuse their childrens' requests for a "Switch" with the popular "Nintendo Switch", the highly coveted and hard-to-find new smartphone from Apple. Very few parents questioned why their children would ask for corporal punishment, speculating whether it was an attempt to receive the asswhupping from Santa himself, or simply figured that "the little shit had it coming."


"Suffer the little children to come unto me, a-Mario!"


Some retail stores' Returns Departments are lined up assholes-to-elbows with parents hoping to return the sensational four-propellered robotic helicopters for the natural, flexible whips in the festive hopes of scourging their offspring this holiday season. Many are being turned away.


Hoagie Carmichael, a customer service representative at Target Stores, noted: "We're completely sold out of all our switches except for the Isaac Mizrahi ones because nobody can figure out how to use them."


Krishnaswami Swamikrishna of Menard's Home Improvement advised parents on how to save time and money by simply "throwing their goddamn kid into their own fucking Christmas tree." "Spare the rod? Fuck that shit!" said Randy "Macho Man" Savage, oooh yeah.


Just wait until your father gets home.


U.S. Senator Roy Moore (R-AL) was unavailable for comment.