UnNews:Third rate white buffalo born on Wisconsin farm

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15 September 2006

White buffalo could bring peace if it wasn't for the extra leg.

CHEESE CITY, Wisconsin -- A farm in Wisconsin is quickly becoming hallowed ground for American Indians with the birth of its third white buffalo, an animal usually considered sacred by many tribes for its potential to bring good fortune and peace, but not so much in this particular instance.

"We took one look at it and I can't repeat what I thought but I thought, 'What's with the extra leg?'" said owner Dave Thomas, founder of the Wendy's bison hamburger chain.

Thousands of people stopped by Thomas's farm after the birth of the first white buffalo, a female named Miracle who died in 2004 at the age of 10. The second was born in 1996 but died after three days.

Heider said he discovered the third white buffalo, a newborn male, after a storm in late August. Over the weekend, about 50 stupid American Indians held a drum ceremony to honor the calf, of all things, which has yet to be named, he said.

Floyd "Splits on a Thirteen" Hand, a medicine man in the Oglala Sioux Tribe in Pine Ridge, S.D., knows basically nothing about genetics and albinism. As a result of his ignorance, he said it was "fate" that the white buffaloes chose one farm, which will likely become a focal point for ridiculous, misguided pagan visitors, who make offerings such as tobacco and dream catchers in the hopes of earning good fortune and peace.

"That's destiny," he said. "The message was only choose one person. Or maybe it was to buy more prunes. One or the other."

The white buffalo is particularly sacred to the Cheyenne, Sioux, Jibbequacky, Penisaurus, Ooragnak, Moroni, and other nomadic tribes of the Northern Plains that once relied on the buffalo for subsistence before the evil white man screwed them over.

According to a version of the legend, a white buffalo, disguised as a woman wearing white hides, appeared to two men. One hit on her, and the other didn't. She wen't out with the one who hit on her, and turned the other man into a stack of pancakes. She also gave the horny one a pipe and taught his people how to get totally fucked up.

She transformed into a female white buffalo calf and promised to return again, and now she's done it at least twice, although usually with fewer legs.

That this latest birth is a male doesn't make it any less significant in American Indian prophecies, which say "the more the merrier." The prophecies say that such an animal will reunite all the races of man and restore balance to the world. Good luck with that one.

He said the buffalo's coat will change from white to black, red and yellow, yellow to a kind of aquamarine, then to a kind of eggshell white, then back to red, then plaid, before turning brown again.

The birth of a white male buffalo means men need to take responsibility for their families and the future of the tribe, Hand said. Either that, or it could mean that he'll develop a rash. One or the other.