UnNews:The shows to watch in 2015
Saturday, January 3, 2015
To make television less confusing for viewers, all new shows will fall into the following categories:
Reality shows with puns in the title[edit | edit source]
Researchers at TV stations are convinced that viewers will not risk watching a new reality show unless it has some kind of comfortingly familiar pun for a title.
A Baker's Dozen - thirteen of the country's master bakers compete in an inexplicably tense series of competitions involving pastries. The winning contestants break down in tears, saying this is the hardest thing they have ever done, and talk about how the show has totally transformed their lives.
The Early Bird Gets the World - contestants vie for big money prizes, battling man's oldest foe - sleep deprivation. The contestant who manages to sleep the least wins big! The winning contestants break down in tears, saying this is the hardest thing they have ever done, and talk about how the show has totally transformed their lives.
Downtown Abbey - three groups of unemployed inner-city teenagers are taught the fine art of forming part of an aristocratic British household, with the winning team given the chance to fly to London and serve the Royal Family cucumber sandwiches. The winning contestants break down in tears, saying this is the hardest thing they have ever done, and talk about how the show has totally transformed their lives.
Losers Weepers - following up on losing contestants from other reality shows, this series simply features nobodies crying over nothing. This show has nothing to do with the 80s Nickelodeon game show, Finders Keepers. However, Finders Keepers hosts Wesley Eure and Larry Toffler will host Losers Weepers, since they can't get any other gigs.
B-list superhero type things[edit | edit source]
Following on from the success of Constantine, Gotham, and the soon to be premiered Daredevil, comic adaptations-which-are-not-exciting-enough-to-be-films are set to flood the screen.
Alpha Flight - Canada's version of The Avengers (Marvel's The Avengers, not the old British TV series, The Avengers) finally get their own show. Early glimpses suggest that, while the comic sought to boost Canadian self-esteem, the show will have a more light-hearted tone, with lots of Canadian stereotypes being trotted out, eh.
Professor X - The Wheelchair Years - fills in the time between X-Men: First Class and X-Men: Days of the Future Past in which Professor X struggles to move his legs around and takes loads of drugs.
Alfred Pennyworth: Butler - Bruce Wayne and Batman may have been done to death, but have you ever wondered about Alfred's backstory? This exciting new series is set to take us through Alfred's nerve-racking O-level exams, to his days in butler school, and finally explains why he left Britain for the dubious charms of Gotham City (he fled child sex charges). His first employer in Gotham is the guy who ends up killing Bruce's parents, or who turns out to be the Joker, or something.
Captain Britain - Fox signed up the cheap version of Captain America after reading our article on him. As revenge for the flood of British stars doing American accents in US shows in the last 10 years, all of the cast is American and is playing fast and loose with accents, mate.
Films adapted into series[edit | edit source]
Fargo laid the foundations - now other iconic Hollywood films are set to be rebooted as shows.
Reservoir Dogs - one of two Quentin Tarantino movies to be adapted for the small screen. Every week we learn about a new character - Mr Blonde, Mr Blue, etc. Like Lost, the show jumps around in time, sometimes exploring the character's past (why is Nice Guy Eddie so nice?) and sometimes his future (whatever happened to Mr Pink?).
Pulp Fiction - Hitmen Jules and Vincent meet on their first day working for Marsellus Wallace. The two travel all over the US, eating at different fast food restaurants and quoting different verses of the bible, in search of perfection.
Before Harry Met Sally - Billy Crystal's real son, Nathan, plays a younger version of his father's most famous character, desperately looking for love, and ripping off Annie Hall mercilessly. Is that a young version of Meg Ryan's character talking about orgasms to someone else in episode six we hear?
Taxi Driver - Travis Bickle solves a crime every week.
"Oh but it's got X in it"[edit | edit source]
Another recent trend set to continue. A b-list movie actors props up a TV drama.
Boys in Blue - A boring-looking cop drama. Oh but it's got Val Kilmer in it.
Call 911 - A boring-looking hospital drama. Oh but it's got Michelle Pfeiffer in it.
The Devil's Eyes - A boring-looking mystery drama. Oh but it's got the girl from Harry Potter in it.