UnNews:Rose Tyler arrested for spreading HD DVD key
6 May 2007
INTERDIMENSIONAL INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY BUREAU, GALLIFREY, 2007 BC — Rose Tyler, a criminal previously tried for violating the Berne Convention on Time Travel (stardate 9751.13), has been charged with using an illegal copyright-breaching device, codenamed TARDIS, to spread information aiding in breaching a video content protection scheme utilized by Slitheen pornographic industry.
The mysterious phrase, "zero nine F nine one one zero two nine D seven four E three five B D eight four one five six C five six three five six eight eight C zero", first (counting the fourth dimension) appeared in 2005 London, where it was graffitied on the TARDIS by a creepy boy in a gas mask. Since then, the phrase has been spotted in places as diverse as the 1984 Oceania from timeline G0, Hill Valley of 1985-A, Metropolis of Earth-One, and the Senate Building on Coruscant in 22 BBY (although this one is suspected to be a hoax perpetrated by Chancellor Palpatine to distract Republic citizens from his schemings).
The final appearance of the code has been traced to the website digger.com on 2007 Earth-Prime, where it managed to simultaneously exist and not exist, in a matter similar to Schrödinger's cat. (Furthermore, it is suspected that the code crept into Schrödinger's head and inspired him to invent the cat experiment, thus creating an ontological paradox and immensely complicating the already uneasy life of the last Time Lord.)
Ms. Tyler has been charged with using a technical circumvention device, the TARDIS (which has been confiscated, along with the entirety of Satellite 5, and is now kept as evidence in a restricted-access pocket dimension), to spread the code throughout space-time, sometimes masquerading its appearance in seemingly innocent objects like songs, T-shirts and digger.com posts. By removing the content protection this way, not only did she cause her own eyes to burn after watching unprotected video, but caused the evaporation of an entire fleet of Daleks, whose exoskeleton circuits were at that moment plugged into the Amazon.com porn delivery service.
When requested for comments, the IIPB CEO, known only as "The Master", said: "We always knew humans were unreliable. Tell one of them a secret, and they will spread it throughout the continuum like crazy. But what must be done, will be done — we shall enforce our rights, even if it means silencing every single one of them, in every period of their history."
UnNews commentary: Apparently, the author of this article has never been born. It is suspected that the Space-Time Copyright Police may have been involved. We are currently conveying an independent investigation. Stay tuned.
- Doctor Who "Rose Tyler ascends to a higher plane of existence". Wikipedia, June 18, 2005
- Rose Tyler's future self "Oh Nine, Eff Nine". Dinosaur Lightning, May 5, 2007