UnNews:Romney Revamped

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17 February 2008

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This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.
Mitt Romney

Overland Park, KS-- Recommitted Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney debuted his new goal to ensure every man, woman and child has immaculate hair, at a rally with 2,000 people in Overland Park, Kansas on Wednesday morning, hoping to give his campaign more volume.

Speaking with a slight lisp, Romney invoked Ronald Reagan, Richard M. Nixon and other past presidents who had impeccable hair thanks to superior styling products and hairdressers. As he said, he was running to strengthen the follicles of America for the next generation of Americans, who shouldn’t have to wear wigs like our forefathers.

“Superfluous problems like hair loss deter country goals,” Romney said, running a hand through his luscious head of brown hair. “And when I think of the bald people who have led us in the past, failure and shame come to mind,” he bluntly added.

“I use nothing but the best for my hair and if I use it, so should the country,” Romney said, holding up a bottle of L’Oréal hairspray and smiling warmly into a camera.

Referring to Mr. McCain, Romney said at one point, “My opponent will not commit to styling products,” triggering applause from the thick-haired crowd. “He won’t even commit to hair plugs.”

In his defense, McCain said: “My God loves all people whether they have hair or not.”

But, unlike Mr. Romney, whose God prefers attractive, white men and women, McCain’s God believes genocide is a fitting response to terrorist threats—a key difference, he argues.

Governor Romney also touted his experience with small businesses and migrant workers.

“My hairdresser’s armpits might smell, but she does the best damn shampooing job on her humble $1.50 an hour wage, which is what this country needs to promote.” Governor Romney said, sparking chants of Romney! Romney! from the crowd.

He also said that he wanted to “tackle dandruff” – the chief cause of segregation and social discomfort.

“We need a shampooer, we need a rinser, and we need a repeater in the White House,” he said. “Because I believe every man, woman and child deserves immaculate hair.”

Mr. Romney, who says he is in the campaign for the long run, states he would not have been able to go on if it weren’t for the support of his hairdresser and the financial backing from name-brand hairstyling products.

He left Overland Park in the early afternoon to hold rallies on Friday in two other states before catching an evening performance of the hit musical Hairspray, in New York City.