UnNews:Quantum physicists discover magic; J.K. Rowling demands royalties

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3 July 2008

CERN HEADQUARTERS, Geneva, Switzerland - In yet another shocking discovery that apparently can't be explained, German scientists working at the European Laboratory for Particle Physics (aka CERN, reason unknown) discovered an atom-like particle that possesses many remarkable and altogether inexplicable properties. Lasting approximately .0000000001 nanoseconds (1 quantum-physics-unit, or qpu) before decaying into plain ol' Positronium, a state in which it remained for another .0000000002 nanoseconds (2 qpu) before eventually settling on arsenic. The Germans who discovered it were unable to manipulate or to experiment on the atom-like particle, and thus were forced to admit that they had not deduced any actual fact from their experiments.

The particle accelerator in which the particle was derived. Pictured undergoing renovation for better feng shui.

This, however, did not stop the Germans from speculating wildly in true quantum physicist fashion. The lead scientist, the sole spoilsport on the party, issued an official statement, an excerpt of which reads:

Unsurprising news, to say the least. Quantum physicists have had a long, illustrious history of being grossly incorrect about their science. The uncertainty about basic facts when it comes to quantum physics has led to a 15% rise in suicide-by-antimatter among scientists of this field, though that number is now projected to dramatically decrease with the discovery of this new particle.

But what the heck is it? The question that was on everyone's mind was not answered by Dr. Braun's 157-page statement, which instead opted to avoid drawing any conclusions in favor of making vague innuendos only understandable to a quantum physicist. UnNews' resident quantum physics expert was off at sleepaway camp when this story broke, and had not responded to our letter by the time this story went to print. However, speaking on the condition of anonymity, Dr. Braun stated, "We have come across something huge. Very huge."

Continuing in a less sophomoric fashion, he said, "I believe what we have found is the first evidence we have of magic. And no, not love or peace or whatever crap the hippies call magic...I mean real, legitimate, I'm-going-to-turn-you-into-a-rat-unless-you-give-me-your-money magic. Of course," he was quick to add, "none of this is certain as of yet. Tests will need to be run; it could take years before we have conclusive evidence of there actually being magic." He also went on to say that he supposed there to be 7 more dimensions used by this particle, bringing the grand total to well over 2,563, before musing, "It would be fun if we could remake the Harry Potter films with true magic, no?"

At the mention of the boy wizard's name, former author and aspiring vulture J.K. Rowling pounced into the private room, frightening the anonymous Dr. Braun into cardiac arrest. Some time later, she served him a subpoena demanding that all Harry Potter and magic-related discoveries to be handed over to her lawyers immediately, lest he be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. When presented with the fact that Ms. Rowling was by no means the first author to publish works of fiction related to magic, her publicist hissed at the gathered press, turned into a werewolf, and ran away.

International CERN representatives have yet to comment on any of these events.