UnNews:Pope disappointed in media "uh-oh"

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27 May 2012

Oh Jesus Christ, why must you plague me with another controversy oh mighty one.

The Vatican, Italy -- In what can only be described as a tragedy for the Catholic Church, the Pope was left embarrassed after one of his butlers allegedly leaked several private documents. None of these documents were ever found. Nothing would have ever come of this except the Pope told the media by publicly charging the butler for something the public was otherwise ignorant of. So instead of allowing the butler to go back to chuckling at every little thing in that precarious undertone and molest 12 year old boys, the event was made public leaving the pope banging his head on the crucifix of Jesus Christ questioning himself, forever and ever amen.

What this reporter finds intriguing is this situation has caused more embarrassment and grabbed more media attention than all child rape allegations in Europe of the past decade. Is it because nobody cares about scarred children? Or is it because the look on the pope's face is just so darn amusing? I am the kind of guy to speculate that it's because child rape in the catholic church is so very common that controversy over a few missing sheets of paper is just way more scandalous.

The butler at the center of all these allegations has been promptly sacked off his position, and the pope intends to sue him for everything he is worth. It is estimated he is a worth dingy apartment, a few cigarettes, a half empty bottle of whiskey and the shirt off his back (yes he is allowed to keep the pants). An eye for an eye in this persons opinion, add a pinch of controversy to an already controversial setup and they take all your already limited supply of money and income, so they go buy a couple of cheap silver rings that make him even more holy.

The media has already denied ever seeing this man, claiming him to be another drunken stoner that has no idea what he is talking about. That way they won't have the social expectation to give the poor man a job, playing the mole in another organization that will most likely kill you and molest your 10 year old son just because you didn't do your job correctly.

I for one am glad he is away from all that now, he has been sighted at several soup kitchens and brothels trying to get a new job. Let's wish this guy all the best!

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