UnNews:Polygamous cults "grant women life-long great hair"

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10 April 2008

OH MY FUCKING GOD THAT'S SO CUTE, DAMN IT, LOOK AT THAT KITTEN! OH MY FUCKING GOD!

An international hair study has confirmed what we all felt deep down in our hearts; women who belong to polygamous cults have better hair than women who are not part of cults. A comprehensive study of 2000 female "Earn For Zion" cult members, 2000 average Josephines and three dogs proved all 2000 Earn For Zionists had "fantastic hair". Earn For Zion is a polygamous cult that doesn't believe in using modern technology, which means that none of them had access to mousse, hairspray, computers, hair straighteners or cameras.

Mr. Warren Jeffs, currently serving time in jail, is said to be "pleased by the survey".

Ellena Kirchner, one of the two Sexy scientists on the team, said:


The study took six months, cost around $3m and has been described as "the most lavish and expensive scientific study of hair that has ever been conducted". There were 14 people involved in the study, including three professional hairdressers, two Sexy scientists, one biologist, six journalists and two scientists. Eric Bindel, the man behind the whole study simply said:


Everyone on the study seemed to enjoy the female cultists' hair. Some actually suffered from withdrawal symptoms after the study has finished. The most badly effected scientist is still in hospital, but the rest are all thought to be some state of mild trauma. Ellena Kircher, quoted above, who was one of the two Sexy scientists, describes how they became addicted to the hair:

What a waste of money, huh? Come And Enjoy The Pleasant Springs And Aromas Of PalaceVilla©, Earn For Zion HQ


Celebrity hair-dresser Johnnie Sapong, one of the three professional hair-dressers on the research team, said he was severely impressed with the ladies' hair, describing it as "brilliant. They could be models for the Spanish army or something, doing it without my new Sapong Awesome!© hair styling, all-in-one product, available in all good stores now is pretty impressive.".

Their leader, Warren Jeffs, was said to be "pleased" with the findings, but was not available for comment as he is currently in jail for rape.

This Article And Study Commissioned By Earn4 Plc., a branch of Earn For Zion Inc.