UnNews:Pele to blow up Kilauea over political concerns

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8 June 2012

Like a boss.

KILAUEA, Hawaii -- UnNews intelligence agents stationed in Hawai'i Volcanoes National Park have found that Pele is plotting to blow up Hawaii's famed Kīlauea volcano after the International Committee of Immortal Beings (ICIB) ordered her to "cease and desist" all action in or near Kīlauea.

They claim that the Hawaiian movie star is running a prostitution business within the Halema'uma'u crater, likely the cause of recent deaths in the vicinity. For example, the recent eruption of Pu'u O'o in 2011 claimed 49 lives and 27 miles of highway.

"This is becoming a widespread issue," says ICIB chairman Zeus. "Deities are supposed to give life to their communities. Unfortunately, we haven't seen Pele doing that recently."

Being short-tempered, Pele said she was pissed at the ICIB for not allowing her to have freedom, citing the First Amendment in her defense:

Cquote1.svg Congress shall make no law ... [abridging] the right of the people peaceably to assemble.... Cquote2.svg

"So why shouldn't these dudes have the right to assemble in my brothel court?" she retorts.

"Thou shalt not commit adultery," says ICIB Vice President Jesus Christ. "This applies to gods and goddesses as well... wait... Damn! Personally, I'd look at the First Commandment. There shouldn't be more than one God."

All controversy aside, Pele threatened to blow up Kīlauea and move to some random undersea volcano nearby, where she could live in peace and quiet, as well as have total dominance over the island.

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