UnNews:Parents outraged over tween stars' puberty
17 June 2008
LOS ANGELES, California - Peyton and Caden Hampton, the fraternal twin stars of Disneylodeon's hit show Hangin' with the Hamptons, were recently seen in leaked photos suggesting that they had reached puberty. Needless to say, parents all across the nation are outraged.
"I'm shocked," said Brenda Ricci, 44, a homemaker and mother of three. "What kind of example are these Hollywood types setting for our children? It's disgusting."
In one of the photos, Peyton can be seen developing acne and underarm perspiration. Another shows Caden with the slightest hints of facial hair. Rumors have surfaced that further pictures suggest evidence of breasts and muscle tone, but so far, they are unconfirmed.
Disneylodeon, so far, has not made an official statement on the photos, but when the pictures hit major news outlets, Harry Hampton, the twins' father and publicist, leapt to defend his children.
"They're kids, you know. They make mistakes. I mean, I'd love for them to be five years old forever, but kids will be kids. It doesn't mean I'm a bad parent or anything." Echoing their father, the twins appeared on Hangin' with the Hamptons the next day reassuring viewers about how childhood was "super great" and about the dangers of aging past 11 years.
"their so not real! paytin and cadin would never do sumtin like that. u guys r losers 4 tryin to dis them like that."
An anonymous source from the Hamptons set, however, confirmed the existence of photos in an exclusive UnNews interview.
"It's totally true," she said. "You should see their body hair! And the other day I heard that Caden's voice cracked! I bet they get fired." After a short pause, she added, "Not that I want them to get fired or anything. I'm their biggest fan. This is anonymous, right? Are you sure? OK, good."
The questioned authenticity of the photos, however, has not deterred thousands of children from emulating the behavior shown in the photos. Middle schools across America have been flooded with reports of growth spurts and awkward behavior.
Ultimately, it is parents like Ricci who will have to deal with the fallout. Every day, her children ask her to buy them razors and Chapstick. Yesterday, Ricci recalled, she caught her son "staring hard" at her neighbor's 18-year-old daughter.
"It's sad. Soon they're going to want to start going to dances and holding hands," she said. "I used to let my children watch Hangin' with the Hamptons for hours. But not anymore. Disneylodeon, you have lost my business! It's nothing but the Weather Channel for them now."
- Uncyclopedia "Puberty". Uncyclopedia, June 16, 2008