UnNews:Orc translated

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18 November 2008

(UnNews) A spectacular find to delight all fans of J.R.R.Tolkien has been made. Earlier this week, the archivist of the Bodleian Library in Oxford discovered fragments of manuscripts, mostly on parchment, describing the true life of the Orcs, their customs and language, completely unknown to this date. After preliminary study of the manuscripts, Dr. Enoch Powell, a well-known authority of Tolkien's works, reveals his fascination to UnNews.

Part of the mysterious orc manuscripts have been carved in stone to convey sinister messages.

"I'm quite sure that Tolkien knew of the manuscripts", says Dr Powell with a boyish gleam in his eyes. "I can picture him sitting on his favorite bench by the river, trying to decide how to transform his findings in a literary form that would be both aesthetic and accurate. By the sight of these manuscripts, there was a man-sized task for him right there."

"It is obvious that Tolkien had to omit some characteristics of the Orcs. If you have read The Lord of the Rings, you certainly know they were no decent fellows. Tolkien mentions their language is 'foul', but after dipping into some of these parchments I can tell you it was also disgusting and almost incomprehensibly obscene."

Powell goes on to explain that the reason for the War of the Rings could just as easily have been a misunderstanding. While there certainly was some kind of a power struggle in Middle Earth, it is altogether possible a large-scale conflict could have been avoided - but for the fateful communication breakdown.

"The Orcs just didn't know any better", explains Powell. "They had been bred in Mordor, breathing the poisonous fumes, immersed in a culture that dictated you just had to talk tough and dirty... it appears that the higher in the hierarchy you were, the more disgusting you had to sound. For instance, 'Nazgúl' translates roughly as One to fuck everyone's mothers (MILF) in modern English. There plainly could be no clear understanding between races."

Powell directs us to a passage concerning a negotiation between Aragorn and an Orc leader concerning the surrender of an Orc stronghold in exchange of some prisoners and a truce. According to Powell, the war could still have been avoided at this point.

Aragorn approaching a group of Orcs to start negotiations. An oil painting by an unknown artist, circa 1520.

Needless to say, a battle ensued. The Orc chief was the first to be killed. According to the manuscript, Aragorn's sword thrust came as a complete surprise to him. This was the first of the major battles in the War of the Ring - the one Tolkien decided not to mention.

Another misunderstanding happened at the attack on Weathertop. The Nazgúl apparently weren't after the ring but had something completely different in mind.

At this point, Aragorn appears and hurts the wraiths who then have to flee. Dr Powell notes that it's not clear what the Nazgúl actually wanted. They apparently sounded threatening and seemed to suggest disgusting acts - but we shouldn't forget the language barrier!

Some linguists - most notably professor K.H. Lahti of the University of Turku, Funland - have already voiced doubt about the validity of the manuscripts, based on the assumption the Orcs could not have known Latin, which appears in several places in the parchments. Dr Powell shrugs off the doubt: "Tolkien mentions potatoes. In the second part of the Lord of the Rings, some Orcs even speak a few French words. Why not Latin? A Nazgúl could have flown to Rome from any part of the world in a matter of days - they could have picked a few words of Latin anywhere, in fact. Just have a look at this chapter about the incident at the Ford of Bruinen."

According to Powell, the fact that Elrond decided to drown the Riders is proof of one thing only: his Latin was not very good. "He thought the wraiths tried to double-cross Glorfindel; another meaning for the word anus is 'ring'. Again we see the language barrier causing trouble - and of course, after this incident, the war could no longer be postponed."

K.H. Lahti holds the opinion that the manuscripts are apparent forgeries, but Powell denies this adamantly, and challenges Lahti to prove it: "We have already dated the scrolls by the reliable carbon monoxide method. They date back to the period between 890 and 1150 A.D. It is simply not possible that anyone in those times could have had ways to fool the carbon monoxide dating."

The study of the manuscripts is still in its early stages. UnNews will be reporting any new developments as soon as they happen.


  • Golfimbul "ORCS" Catalysis, November 10, 2005