UnNews:Ophelia jumps in river for Hamlet
15 July 2011
Elsinore, Denmark -- Red-headed femme fatale Ophelia has been found floating in the river after she was seen throwing herself down from the battlements of Fortress Elsinore last night.
For days Ophelia had been hoping that her old lover Hamlet would relent from sending her to a nunnery for her recent antics and instead bring her back into the family. However, when Ophelia learned that Hamlet had ordered a sealed wagon to take her away she decided to end it all by jumping from a great height.
A shocked courtier at Elsinore said that the love affair between Ophelia and Hamlet had cooled since his unexpected return from overseas. Their once close relationship had started to grow wrong when Hamlet had slashed a curtain in the belief a rival (and much younger) lover was hiding behind his arras, making copious notes.
"They were so close once. Every day Ophelia would write to Hamlet with scented letters and locks of her red hair. Those days have gone forever. Alas poor Ophelia, she was well and truly Yoricked."
It's understood that Hamlet didn't ask his mother Gertrude or uncle King Claudius before sending Ophelia away on charges of pouring poison into his ear. The Prince of Denmark has asked for solitude so that he can work on a soliloquy to deliver next week in court.
- Staff "Ophelia will be missed." Daglige Bacon, July 15, 2011
- Staff "Ophelia will not be missed." Daglige Schtinck, July 15, 2011