UnNews:Nitrogen found to be poisonous

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8 August 2012

Pictured here: Nitrogen, being poisonous.

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- In a secluded laboratory, three scientists in Cambridge have made a shocking discovery; that the element Nitrogen, age 10 billion, is poisonous. This was discovered after a plant placed in a room filled with pure nitrogen was found to be have died the next day. As a means of confirming this, they fed one of their rats liquid nitrogen, and found that shortly after it was fed, it had died of hypothermia. Despite this, the scientists insist that no animals had been harmed during the experiment.

Since the earth's atmosphere is nearly 80% nitrogen, the scientists, who wish to remain anonymous, have told UnNews to advise you to wear specially made anti-nitrogen respirators to prevent exposure to this poisonous gas. They have also announced their new nuclear fusion project, where they will fuse nitrogen with hydrogen to create the much less poisonous oxygen. Their specified self-proclaimed deadline is "sometime after now."

Since nitrogen is posing such a critically high level of danger, we tried to hold an interview with nitrogen to learn its motives. However, it refused to respond to any of our colorless, odorless, tasteless, and mostly inert diatomic gas at standard conditions, constituting 78.09% by volume of Earth's atmosphere. Helium, neon, argon, krypton, xenon, and radon all refused to comment on the intentions of Nitrogen because it is not a noble gas.

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