UnNews:New safe ammo dampens gun debate

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to: navigation, search

2 January 2013

Cops, psychos, gangsters, guns and bullets don’t kill people, slugs do

BOISE, Idaho -- Ammo dealers with an Idaho-based company are poised to begin marketing a new type of bullet specifically designed to avoid causing injuries to their targets and bystanders. The technology - created at Ingenuity Ballistics - resembles a small slug-less bullet, but is essentially what Hollywood calls a “blank.” The blank fires with a bang intended to startle and intimidate but does not harm the target. Ingenuity’s plan is to make the safe ammo available to law enforcement officers as well as certified gangsters and potentially random mass murderers – thereby circumventing the hot issue of gun control.

The idea for the product emerged in the months after the 9/11 New Pearl Harbor attack when Ingenuity’s founder, Samson Safe, started brainstorming about ways to help pilots protect planes. The goal was to develop a type of ammunition that would not cause injuries to innocent bystanders or skyjackers or pierce the skin of a plane, yet be powerful enough to stop a potential terrorist in their tracks. What emerged is the company’s Safe Round, named after Samson’s cousin, late U.S. Marine Corporal Elmer Safe, who died in Iraq while inspecting the inside of the barrel of his weapon which was, unfortunately, loaded with an old fashion type of bullet that blew the Corporal’s brains out.

The new Safe Round looks almost exactly like an ordinary blank and is made up of ordinary blank components: a pliable gray film, brass that encases the tiny charge, and a base filled with gun powder and firing pin. The company describes the ammo as “non-lethal” on its website. When fired out of a gun the blank makes a sharp report and also emits a flash followed by a puff of smoke for enhanced realism. The sight and sound of the blank scares a human target causing them to either surrender, or think there has been divine intervention, or both.

The safe bullet is being marketed as a tool for law enforcement officers that can be used to defuse standoffs or for crowd control or other scenarios in which law enforcement may need to gain the upper hand. It can also be used in a starter pistol at various types of racing events, including swimming, running and motor sports. The new ammo will also be sold to any registered gangsters who can produce a valid criminal record. This will enable them to carry out hits and heists without any chance of injuring their targets, themselves, police or others.

“It will be a lot safer for the officers and the crooks, and especially for the person being shot,” said Samson. “What our products are going to do is defuse threats. And even if a shootout occurs between the good guys and the bad guys, or if a mass murderer attacks some kids, still no one will get hurt and it will be much more of a hoot. After all,” he concluded, “neither guns nor bullets kill people, slugs do!”