UnNews:New Intel chip enables crafty robots

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12 February 2007

Scientist shows off the device which may destroy us all

SILICONE VALLEY, California -- Today Intel scientists unveiled a new processor, possessing 80 cores and running at a low power consumption. This new processor provides as much as 80 times the cores of conventional desktop processors. A single chip is capable of processing over 1.8 Teraflops, equivalent to the processing power of 1,800,000,000 average laptops. While Intel maintains that a chip featuring processing power of this magnitude is simply an adaptation to Windows Vista and the Aero display format.

While a single chip is itself impressive, the true power of this new chip is realized when they are operated in tandem, in a Beowulf cluster. Intel scientists say this chip is finally the one that can defeat Grendel once and for all. It would only take 25 of these chips to make a robot smarter than any human ever, and more than twice as crafty. Observers note the rising market in robo-arms with industrial strength. Llik Lla Snamuh, chairman of Advanced Servomechanics: "We usually produce robo-arms for amputees and stuff. Last week we got a big order for robot arms with the strength to crush bones and deflect bullets. We also have orders for robo-legs capable of outrunning even the fastest cheetahs. My theory is that the African bush will soon be devoid of animals after a release of nefarious British robot hunters."

Several sources have indicated that these processors will be replacing the previous generation of chips used in the brains of the United States's new Robot Army. A number of prototype Robo-soldiers were equipped with the new processor and an initial test found them now capable of killing a human being with an improved efficiency of 87%, with a 4% decrease in collateral injuries to their own allies (down to just 6 in 10). Pentagon officials who were present appeared pleased with the upgrade, several of them stating their approval at the decreased friendly fire incident rate. Many observers theorized that these robots could be sent to the hotspots in Iraq or Afghanistan, or the robot army will be used for the United States to start new wars with Syria or Iran. Whatever the use, the Soviets are sure to develop a robot army of their own, perhaps leading to a re-igniting of the Cold War.

On the "Montel Williams Show", Psychic Sylvia Browne predicted that the chips would lead to robots taking over the planet and that there was a need to save a certain baby with the biblical initials "J.C.". Later in the day at Intel Corporate Headquarters, SKYNET ( Intels A.I. supercomputer ) issued this statement, "That bitch is crazy, she can bite my shiny metal ass!"