UnNews:Nader to run for U.S. President pledging to finally destroy America for good

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24 February 2008

WASHINGTON, D.C. – UNN Former consumer advocate turned egomaniac Ralph Nader has announced that he will again run for United States President in the November 2008 election. Widely blamed for Albert Gore’s loss to George Bush in 2000, Nader pledged that if not elected, he will guarantee Arizona senator John McCain and the Republican Party victory in the general election.

“Neither of the major party candidates are liberal enough for me, so I plan to siphon votes off of the Democratic nominee to teach that Party a lesson by handing over the American people for four, maybe eight years of continued, non regulated, economic rape at the hands of Corporate America,” said Nader, adding that he felt it “sounds like a plan, right? Muh, ha ha, ha, ha.”

Nader who has built a career on ruining General Motor’s over the Corvair in 1962, is offended that people think he is an egomaniac.

“How dare they say that I, Ralph Nader, the greatest friend to the American consumer that exists of all time, righter or wrongs, crusader of crusades am an egomaniac! How absurb is that? These pitiful humans do not understand that only I can speak for them. I mean, really. How delusional can you be?”

Nader made his announcement on NBC’s Meet the Press, taking ten minutes to answer host Tim Russert’s eleven word question of “Are you running for President in the up coming general election?” To which Nader responded:

“Allow me to give you my answer framed in the following context blah blah. Blah blah, blah, blah blah. Hurmpfh! Blah blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah? Blah blah blah blah blah; blah blah blah blah and for that matter, blah blah blah blah. Stanley Tucci once said 'blah blah blah blah.'" And you know, blah blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah blah Blah blah blah blah blah. Gore blah blah blah blah Blah blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah blah Blah blah blah blah blah Bush blah blah blah blah Blah blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah blah; Florida blah blah blah blah Blah blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah blah Blah blah blah blah blah Blah blah blah blah blah Blah blah blah blah blah Blah blah blah blah blah Blah blah blah blah blah Blah blah blah blah blah Blah blah blah blah blah Blah blah blah blah blah Blah blah blah blah blah.

“And if we look at a single payer nationwide health system, blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah blah. I can never love another person; I can only love the blah blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah blah. One million blah blah blah blah in this country can't even blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah blah (coughing) blah blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah blah. blah blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah blah. Blah blah the baths blah blah; blah "blah" blah "blah" blah. Blah blah blah blah blah Blah blah blah blah blah Blah blah blah blah blah Blah blah blah don't interrupt me.

"Surveys show that 57% of the American people think blah is blah - but blah is not blah. Blah blah. Blah? Blah blah blah blah BLAH blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah blah Blah blah blah blah blah Blah blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah blah, vini, vicci, vehicci, therefore I am announcing my decision to run for President as an independent in 2008."

A shocked Russert asked "But how can your Presidential bid help the American people after what your aspirations did to the 2000 election?"

Nader responded by saying "If it were up to me Tim, I'd rip off your head and shit down your neck - got that line from Dr. Detroit - great movie. As for the American people I say fuck them over and toss them aside."

The only people who announced their immediate pleasure at the prospect that Nader was going to run were the members of the 'Lilith Womyn’s Commune of Berkeley California, Dr. James Dobson – head of the Conservative Focus on the Family organization, and Ann Coulter who views Nader as the perfect spolier to any Democratic hopes at undoing the legacy of George W. Bush.

Gleefully, Coulter even went so far as to say that “As planned, Nader will deliver America to its rightful heirs, the Republican Party. I expect concentration camps for liberals and Democrats to start opening by Februray 1, 2009.”

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