UnNews:Michael Fassbender disappoints AC fans by discovering Templar heritage

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

10 November 2012

My fellow Assassins! This is awkward!

LONDON, United Kingdom -- In what has turned out to be a major heartbreak for Assassin's Creed fans, co-producer and would-be star of the series' film adaptation Michael Fassbender revealed, with a heavy heart, the results of a genealogical DNA test he'd recently taken, to UnNews.

In an interview with our UnNews correspondent, Michael said that the "maturity" of Assassin's Creed fans would be put to "the ultimate test", as his DNA test has revealed that maternally, his ancestry extends all the way back to Hugues de Payens, a co-founder of the Templar Order. To add insult to injury, he also happens to be their first Grand Master.

"It is truly heartbreaking that I have ties to such...misguided fundamentalists. As if my IRA links weren't enough." Fassbender went on, "But truly, I had no prior knowledge of this." He went on to explain that he'd originally undergone the DNA test to confirm his mother's alleged ancestral relationship with Irish Civil War fighter Michael Collins. Just to be clear, that link also proved to be true.

"I really didn't expect things to turn out this way. I was actually hopeful I might have a connection with the original Assassins, or one of their allies. That would have pleased my fans. This is just going to piss them off." he concluded.

And piss them off it has. Though most Assassin's Creed fans were very measured in their response to this shocking development, the disappointment and frustration was evident in their reactions. "There's a curse on these damned video game to film adaptations for sure." said one fan, not jokingly "Either Uwe Boll is directing it, Milla Jovovich is starring in it, or some crap like this. Where's all the authenticity gone? Now Michael's gonna have to play the bad guy. Again."

"Ah, well. A Templar playing an Assassin. That ought to be cool. NOT!" read an anonymous post on UnNews' IRC channel.

Some fans, however, are still optimistic about the future of the film, "Eh, nobody's got any control over these things." one fan observed, "What is important is the Ubisoft is co-producing the film. They'll be sure to check if Fassbender or his associates at DMC Films aren't sneaking in any pro-Templar propaganda. We've all been there. The Templars are never gonna win."