UnNews:Mexican teen learns to drive car while handcuffed
3 October 2007
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MEXACALI, California - Yesterday a Mexican teen was busted for trafficking drugs across the border in what police say is one of the most unusual cases of drug trafficking they had ever seen. The youth had escaped in a vehicle after being arrested and handcuffed previously for kicking an elderly man's dog and trafficking highly illegal substances across the Mexican border. UnNews reporters were told that the young man, Hector Montez, came to the US illegally to expand his drug trafficking industry (Columbian Industries Ltd) and additionally because his grandmother was having a party. However, nobody expected Hector to set one of the most famous records of all time.
The police were notified of Hector's whereabouts by a former customer of his, Antonio Banderas.
After the information of Hector's whereabouts were known, the former drug addict admitted to be linked to a string of border crossings where Mexicans disguised as car seats had made it into the US.
Hector was found in his car the night of his arrest. Reports say that, while under the influence of marijuana, cocaine and various brands of Lysol, Hector had crashed the car into a tree and was mumbling gibberish about feeding his family of fourteen. Hector and three other immigrants were taken into custody by Border Patrol who were called to the scene. Police officers were so distracted by the multiple pound of drugs in the car that Hector and his friends had time evade authorities and hijack a police cruiser.
Hector was seen with his back facing the road ahead. This style of driving has been ruled to be how Hector crashed into a tree the first time he was arrested. Most Mexicans can't drive good at all so when people saw a handcuffed Mexican running from police in an awkward position, most onlookers took their own life so that a crazed Mexican couldn't take it. The fast paced string of events makes Hector's newly broken record even more astonishing.
Early yesterday afternoon, Hector was captured by the FBI at the aftermath of his Grandma's party and is now in a maximum security prison. He is being held under charges of drug possession and DUI. These charges will most likely be dropped because of a stunning email from the Guinness Book of World Records, which stated that Hector Pablo Manuel Ramirez Montez had set the world record for driving while being handcuffed. He surpassed the old record by a whole 1069 miles as they traveled back into Beaner territory.
Mexican immigrants have been known to escape the US government before, but not while handcuffed and certainly not while driving. In fact, it has been recently proven by Harvard that most of the drivers in the US can't even talk while driving, let alone drive while restricted by handcuffs. This evidence is hampered by the fact that most people in the US don't typically wear handcuffs at all on a regular basis. Also rendering these results moot is the fact that Americans aren't typically afraid of being shipped back to their home country by the government. This is just great. How will we stop them from stealing cars now?
DISCLAIMER: On the advice of UnNews' legal counsel, we are legally bound to inform you that you should not try what you just read at home. This is what we Americans call multitasking.
- Jack Tupp "Handcuffed kid steals car." Yahoo News, September 29, 2007