UnNews:Media outlet that considers videos of dogs farting to be journalism, outraged by suggestions of being "fake news"

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Thank god for journalists, risking their lives by visiting the most dangerous place on earth: Suburban Massachusetts!

Friday, May 12, 2017

LONDON, United Kingdom - Can we just take a comment to say thank god for journalistic integrity. Thank god the days when journalists made our heads hurt and feelings sad with talk of boring bullshit like climate change, multinationals ripping us off, a refugee crisis, eurozone trouble or anything requiring an iota of critical thought are finally over. Thank god the focus has shifted onto far happier and more important issues like dogs farting, how big Prince Harry's baldpatch is growing and opinion polls devoted to how many women would let Canada's prime minster have his way with them. Thank god this has happened.

It is therefore disheartening and frankly disgusting that there has been so much bad press about the press lately. This all came to a head today when Dailymail chief editor and Colonel Klink lookalike Paul Dacre publicly condemned claims that his paper was "fake news". When pressed as to why he believed that the accusations had come out, Mr Klink Dacre issued this statement:

"In years gone by, we the jounalists focused on what shapes the world around us. In the process, we made a lot of people unhappy as they believed this made everything seek bleek and dystopic. Instead, we listened to our target demographic of bored retirees that ring up their grandchildren hourly for help on how to manage their Facebook account and came up with this news: Ground breaking stories about viral content, our stories perpetually lagging 3 days out of sync with what is currently trending. Stories that not even your long lost country relatives with two digit IQs would find even remotely mentally stimulating. This is not fake news, this is our attempt to cheer people up by pretending everything is just fine!"

I for one would like to thank the Colonel for making George Orwell's vision of the future so surreal, it's just a shame you were 33 fucking years too late.