UnNews:John Reid Goes Bat Fuck Insane

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

16 August 2006

Helpful government warning about insanity.

LONDON, England - The British Prime Minister has officially confirmed that his Home Secretary, John Reid, is bat fuck insane. A state of national emergency has been declared until Mr. Reid is apprehended, by professionals; lethal force may be required. Do not panic. He may try to eat wheel clamps, or break into your house, and watch TV static for hours on end. Do not be alarmed, instead call the police, then be alarmed.

Mr. Reid is believed to be hiding in the Hampstead health area. He may or may not have hostages, liquid explosives, and be planning to blow up 6 planes over the Atlantic. "He’s become the very thing he was trying to prevent," the prime minister explained.

John Reid loses his mind.

A warning has been broadcast on BBC television to all homes in the area:

London may need to be evacuated if the situation worsens.

The first signs of bat fuck craziness appeared last week. Mr. Reid took to sleeping upside down whilst hanging from a flagpole, supposedly in an effort to deter would be assassins. "Damn those ninjas!" he said. His colleagues attributed his strange behaviour to overwork, as Mr. Reid had whipped himself up into a paranoid frenzy as he worked tirelessly to prevent the airliner-bomb-plot-holocaust, and had begun to see enemies everywhere. On a visit to Disney Land last Wednesday, Mr. Reid shot a man in a Mickey Mouse costume in the face, believing him to be "Bin Laden’s representative in Europe".

A further indication of Mr. Reid’s mentalist tendencies came at a press conference this morning after a meeting with EU ministers in London. During a heated argument with his personal assistant, he insisted his that his name was "Jabberwocky-Fuckbend" and his legs were made of glass. Mr. Reid sweated profusely throughout this outburst, and blamed the whole thing on "this blasted heat", before regaining his composure, saying that he just needed a glass of water and some unvarnished marshmallows. Mr. Reid then sat down and began his speech:

"The world is faced by a form of intolerant and violent totalitarianism, this is subverting a religion, Islam, whose very name stands for fuzzy, wuzzy hat bunnies and peace, sorry war. Do not be alarmed by this! "

The Finnish Interior Minister then interrupted to complain of a strange stale smell, emanating from Mr. Reid. Closer inspection revealed Mr. Reid’s pockets to be full of pickles. He tried to explain this by insisting that he had to get the bacon delivered and then go back and "legislate at the mouth." "My functions are devolving, he said, in an effort to calm increasingly worried security staff. Mr Reid then drank from what appeared to be an invisible cup of tea, before continuing his speech:

"There is a persistent, and very real threat from terrorism, this threat is, Squawk! Squaaawk! SQUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWK! SQUAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWK!"

It took a full two minutes until Mr. Reid realized he was squawking like a chicken.

He blamed this on "the feathers in my cheeks" and "those damned bats". Mr. Reid became increasingly incoherent and started to make exaggerated and insane claims, saying he could crush a golf ball with two fingers: “Any two fingers,” he assured reporters.

Then In the presence of five other interior ministers and top EU officials, he screamed:

"I AM JABBERWOCKY-FUCKBEND! LOOOK AT MY GLASS, BATMAN! LOOOOOOOOOOOK! Squawk! SQUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWK! SQUAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWK!"

John Reid is chased by helicopters.

Mr. Reid then unbuckled his trousers and threw his underwear in the face of a distressed female journalist. Spreading his arms out in an effort to make himself appear larger and more intimidating, Mr. Reid continued to squawk like a mongoose as he charged towards bewildered reporters, then dived out of the third story window, flapping his arms as if he was attempting to fly.

Landing in the street below, Mr. Reid stole a car and was chased by police, before crashing into a tree and running away on foot. Mr. Reid ran naked for two miles across Wimbledon common, perused by a police helicopter.

John Reid running from the killer bats.

Loudspeakers urged him to give himself up. Mr. Reid then somehow managed to evade police for several hours.

During that time, Mr. Reid managed to defecate on several post boxes and was shot at. Mr. Reid then disappeared into a nearby department store. Wandering in a confused state, Mr Reid picked up a towel and wrapped it around himself announcing "Nakedness is sin; I myself have never been naked, for I AM THE ARAB KING!" to bewildered shoppers, before undergoing a series of convulsions and regurgitating several cubic feet of sand. Mr. Reid then ran into the meat aisle. Wrapping a string of sausages around his waist like a belt, he declared "BACON IS GENOCIDE!", but not before complaining that the towel he was wearing was "made of acid!" He then screamed at passers-by for several minutes, demanding that they "get these rats out of my skin!"

Running outside, Mr. Reid then slithered up a lamp post "like an adder", according to eyewitnesses. He then hurled abuse at tabloid journalists and photographers below, before urinating on the heads of those immediately beneath him.

John Reid slithers up a lampost.

A transcription of the conversation follows:

JOURNALIST: "Mr. Reid?"

JOHN REID: "HAGGIS!!!"

JOURNALIST: "Mr. Reid, are you going to come down?"

JOHN REID: "HAGGIS!!! HAGGIS!!!"

JOURNALIST: "Mr. Reid, why do you keep saying the word haggis?"

JOHN REID: "SHUT UP!!! YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL!!!"

Mr. Reid’s head than rotated 360 degrees as he drooled uncontrollably. When news of Mr. Reid’s behaviour reached Downing Street, they attempted to play down the incident. "He’s just feeling a bit ill," the prime minister announced. "Armed police are on their way to... give him aspirin."

Mr. Reid was last seen running back towards Wimbledon common, carrying a large machete and claiming that vultures and bats had come to take his eyes. Police hope that Mr. Reid will be captured "within weeks."

The government also warned that there is a possibility that Mr. Reid may pass on his insanity to others. "Don’t touch his saliva!" doctors warned.