UnNews:Horoscopes - January 26th

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Monday, January 26, 2015


Just say the magic words and he will turn into a genie.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - To celebrate your forthcoming birthday, you decide to post: "Many years ago on this day, I completely destroyed a vagina. Not for the last time."
Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - For weeks a rumour has been going around school that you are an expert at cunnilingus. After it emerges that you yourself began the rumours, the other teachers get together and campaign to have you dismissed.
Aries (March 20 - April 19) - You stick rigidly to the imperial system of measurements, except when it comes to measuring your penis, because centimetres just sound more impressive.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - When asked your opinion on your new co-worker's intelligence, you reply "Well I don't think Stephen Hawking will be shitting himself any time soon" before realising that, just like every day, Stephen Hawking will be shitting himself soon.
Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - Tuesday makes it four times you have ejaculated at work. I know it takes the edge of the drudgery, but I don't think it's exactly the Steve Jobs route to success.
Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Your girlfriend reveals she has this weird fart fetish which involves you never breaking win in front of her ever.
Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - The cold makes your nipples so hard you could grate cheese on them. Don't actually do it though, remember what happened last year at the farmer's market.
Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - Blind dates are usually hit and miss, but it's still depressing when the cute French girl you get set up with is arrested during dinner for her associationg with the Charlie Hebdo killers.
Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - When your hot new roommate catches you pressed up against the bathroom door while she was having a shower, simply explain you love the sound of running water.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - Normally you like the sound of neighbours doing it, but that Russian girl next door sounds like a mother yelping after losing her child in a shopping centre.
Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21)- You give the shortest lesson on the birds and the bees ever. When asked the classic "Where do babies come from?" you simply reply "Your mother's cunt!"
Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Go up to the biggest, meanest, ugliest man you can find and say you want him to do you good and hard - he will immediately turn into a genie and grant you anything you desire.