12 June 2009
WESTMINSTER, United Kingdom -- BNP leader and noted Grammar Nazi Nick Griffin was today attacked by a group of protesters believed to be affiliated with international Grammar Communist group Commantern. Violence began after BNP deputy Rudolf Hess accused the protesters of "thowing a egg". Hess denies misuse of the indefinite article (a serious crime in Nazi Germany, upon whose laws the BNP base their policies) and said he would "deal most eloquently with the uneducated reds who made the accussation".
The attack happened as MEP Nick Griffin was giving a press conference to a group of journalists eager to question him about his controversial policies. Griffin was in the process of defending his party's stance by calling everyone who disagreed with him Sheeple and brainwashed masses when shouts of "Nazi Grammar, off our commas!" began to be heard. Suddenly the press were surrounded by an angry mob waving placards and throwing eggs. Some placards read "The BNPs[sic] apostraphe abuse must end!" and "No to Nazi BNP Fascism, yes to appropriate verb conjugation!". One egg thrown managed to pass directly through Nick Griffin's head from ear to ear unimpeded. This shocked onlookers, but forensic experts later declared that due to Mr Griffin's particularly small brain, the yolk was unlikely to have met much resistance inside his head. The BNP officials quickly escaped to waiting cars and drove away.
Two hours after the incident, Nick Griffin continued his press conference, denouncing the protest as disgraceful and calling on the police to drop whatever murders and rapes they might be investigating and come and listen to him whinge. Griffin said "This is a sad day for democracy as well as literacy, these protesters know full well that I have a democratic mandate to use the BNP's patriotic morphology. That egg attack was a direct assault on British democracy and the British language."
A spokescomrade for Commantern said "We honour that brave egg which gave its life in the name of grammatical clarity and freedom. We shall observe a minutes silence every year in rememberance of that egg". Whitehall have also confirmed plans to give the egg a state funeral. Officials say thousands of mourners are expected to attend.
Police are braced for more syntax related violence and have established a heavy presence for the upcoming rally of the Grammar Centrist party for fear it may be ambushed by the Grammar Centerist party.