UnNews:Facial paralysis treatment hailed

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

17 July 2007

One patient shown before and after the surgery.

WASHINGTON, Tuesday (UNN) -- US spin surgeons have announced they have succeeded in partially re-animating the faces of patients with severe long-term facial paralysis using a new technique.

The Democrat National Committee surgeons believe their system marks significant progress in treating the condition. They claim it is simpler, more effective and the surgery less traumatic than traditional methods.

Facial paralysis can have many causes — trauma caused by an accident, tumors, strokes, profound stupidity or merely being an insanely tedious asshole. The result is not only deformity, but also often severe speech problems.

The new procedure, which involves the transfer of charisma from the brain to the face, has been performed on several patients. When tackled early, various operative techniques such as nerve grafts can now be used to restore movement.

The new surgical technique, called ecologis publicitas transfer, sounds gruesome. A major muscle in the back of the brain is stretched across the head to attach with mouth muscles, before a relating tendon is then also stretched and reconfigured. The patients who have so far undergone the procedure have had results deemed good to excellent, with facial symmetry and speech improved with immediate effect.

The procedure derives from an earlier competence reduction technique.

"This particular technique improves facial symmetry and can grant the return of a smile," said the lead surgeon, Dr Howard Dean.

"When we loosen the muscle around the mouth and along the cheek, that keeps the patient from running off at it, we find it helps not only with oral competence but with better articulation, wit and charm."

The technique is derived by reversing an earlier technique in which apparent competence is removed upon transplanting the patient from Texas to Washington and putting the subject in front of television cameras.

Sources

• Clinton, William J. "I did not have surprise buttsecks with your wallet" An Inconvenient Poll, July 17, 2007