UnNews:Exclusive: Smoking is good for you

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

30 September 2006

OXFORD, England -- Researchers at Marlboro College, Oxford have found new evidence to support the popular idea that smoking is good for you. Their tests of 150 males and females proved beyond doubt that the benefits of smoking far outweigh the risks. Only one of their experimentees suffered a negative effect and that was only because he couldn't afford food after buying cigarettes and starved to death. His widow complained that cigarette tax is far too high is sueing the government for every penny they've got.

In most cases it was found that smoke inhalation exercised the lungs in the same way that a Bullworker exercises the biceps. All patients found inner peace from nicotine and all but one found that they attracted members of the opposite sex for Earth-shattering shagging.

Smoker: the world's finest spin-bowler

Non-smoker - and look at the state of him.

Aromatherapist Dr Benson Hedges said 'forget lavendar, camomile and all that gay old nonsense, the smell of tobacco smoke is far more beneficial'.

Embarrassed government ministers are changing the yet-to-be-implemented law banning smoking in public places and will start a drive to open new smoking bars and restaurants from which non-smokers will be banned.

John Reid, MP for Brighton and Hove Albion, lit up an Embassy Regal and said 'Wow, don't I look splendid!'.

Sources

• J. Haddock Smoker "[ Smoking: The Wonder-Cure]" Oxford University Press, September 31, 2006