UnNews:Empire state building to be painted green

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

7 April 2009

Bill Clinton's vision for the Empire State Building.

NEW YORK, NY— One of the world's most famous skyscrapers - the Empire State Building (in New York) - is going to be fully painted green. Anything in the ESB that is not green will be destroyed. Employees and visitors must wear green face paint and green clothes/uniforms upon entry, and must prove that their blood is green through a certain test at the gate (which may or may not involve the security guard's gun). The air will be the only thing in the entire building that is allowed to not be green. Yes, even burglars, terrorists and incoming airplanes must be a lovely shade of emerald before entry and/or impact is allowed, or face the strictest of consequences.

And, before you ask, no, this wasn't Al Gore's "brilliant" idea.

A project is underway to reduce the amount of birds flying into the ESB's many windows, saving millions of dollars in lawsuits from outraged parents (whose kids were posing for souvenir pictures, when a dead bird smacked their faces from above) each year* by making everything about the building green. Also, green is my favorite color.

This green makeover is part of a $500 (£34,000) refit, which the building's owners hope will attract bigger companies paying higher rents (specifically H&R Block).

Former President Bill Clinton's Climate Initiative has helped fund the project.

Mr. Clinton and New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg say the changes should be a model for other buildings around the world to follow. It is rumored that the politicians' favorite color is green, for whatever reason.

Some 13,000 people use the restrooms in the Empire State Building every day - including the many visitors to the world famous landmark's observatory. So the first change was to paint the washrooms green, to color all the paper towels, toilets, etc. green, and to dye the water green (astonishingly, however, the water in the toilets was already green).

Another objective will include a layer of green tape covering each of the 102-storey building's 6,500 windows, green insulation behind radiators and removal of lighting, ventilation and air conditioning (which, sadly, could not be painted green). Some employees at the ESB complained that these changes made them feel like they were "trapped like mice inside a crate made of concrete" and "restricted breathing". Mr. Clinton has refused to respond or make changes because of these remarks.

People working in the building will not be able to use the internet, due to lack of entirely green sites. Instead, they will use telephones painted green for all communications operations, and refer to a library for all information purposes (of course, the only book in said library is Dr. Seuss' Green Eggs and Ham).

*The real plan is to cut the amount of energy used by 38% per year, saving $4.

Sources

• Jonathan "Greenwash" Blake "Empire State Building Goes Green" BBC News, April 6, 2009