UnNews:Emperor Godzilla tells nation not to panic
22 March 2011
TOKYO, Japan -- Japanese emperor Godzilla has made a very rare speaking appearance on Japanese television to urge everyone that 'there is no need to panic.' He made his speech as a radiation cloud released by the crippled Fukushima nuclear power station drifts towards Tokyo.
Known in Japan as His Imperial Lizardness Gojira (ゴジラ), the well-known hero/villian has roared, bellowed and blown fire out of his nostrils in all his performances but for once he toned it down to save Japan from the new apocalypse. Squeezing himself into Japan's a television studio to make his appeal. Godzilla also wore a suit (with a zipper on his back) to add gravity to the situation. In a country where the Emperor is treated with a reverence verging on the worshipful as well as provoking sheer panic amongst the normally dour Japanese, his comments are bound to be appreciated.
In his speech Godzilla made the following statement, "In this time of crisis, there is no need to get worried. Radiation isn't all negative. When I was a young lizard, Killer Whales would kick sea silt in my face but thanks to a ship dumping nuclear waste on me...I grew up a bit..well quite a lot as it happens.."
Godzilla then went on to apologise for his last film being 'total dinosaur pants' and left to greet the people in downtown Tokyo. Remarkably, only a few iPad component plants and a drama school for bad actors were damaged in the process. When asked if King Kong would help Japan, Godzilla said his old friend was currently busy on top of the Empire State Building defending New York from suicidal biplanes. (It is believed they might be trying to imitate suicidal monoplanes.)
In other news, reports of volcanic eruptions and giant moths remain unconfirmed at this time,
- Staff "Japanese emperor tells nation to unite." Daily Telegraph, March 16, 2011
- Staff "Dumping sea water on damaged nuclear plant." Daily Telegraph, March 16, 2011