UnNews:Debt crisis forces US to downsize to Greenland
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
2 August 2011
WASHINGTON, United States -- The United States is to move to the more modest land area of Greenland in a bid to cut costs. Citing its current location as economically non-viable, Obama assured Americans that their new home would be just as fun as their old one. "Greenland may be a little smaller and colder, with frankly nothing to do. But with a little bit of work, it can be every bit as good as where we are now," he told journalists.
The announcement came after weeks of rumours that landlord China was about to evict its tenant over months of unpaid rent. It is thought the Eastern country would like to use the property as a holiday home.
Republican minority leader Mitch McConnell interrupted a session of identifying socialist nouns to criticise the move: "One of the many things that makes us american, is living in America," he said, before later admitting he liked shooting bears.
Secretary of State Hilary Clinton tried to downplay the US's woes citing the United Kingdom as an inspiration: "When Britain lost its empire, many said it would not recover. But on January 23rd 1967 a little placed called Milton Keynes showed that the phoenix had officially risen from the flames."
The relocation was not the only cost-cutting measure announced today. President Barack Obama additionally announced substantial redundancies to the citizenship of his country. 15 million of the country's population are now without nationality.
One of those made redundant, Jane Springstone, told UnNews how becoming Un-American could not have come at a worse time for her: "There's just no countries around taking people on at the moment. I'm not racist but - well - it's the immigrants isn't it."
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Alex Spillius "US debt crisis: Barack Obama tells America it must live within its means" Telegraph, August 02, 2011