UnNews:Controversy over Nigga Teen Patches

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23 January 2013

Nigga Teen Patch user Jesse Matthews, or Dr J-Star, as he asks his white friends to call him.

TWIN FALLS, Idaho -- A little known pharmaceutical company in Idaho has stirred up a racial scandal today after launching Nigga Teen Patches, do-rags containing patches laced with a mixture of vitamins and minerals, which are intended to make the wearers look and act more black.

Dr James Green, the brains behind the project, told us: "The problem is that not all wiggas - as they are known pejoratively - live in states with a high black population. It's all very well if you reside in Compton, or 8 Mile, you have lots of black peers to copy. In our fair state, for example, there aren't that many negroes for the impressionable young white kids to copy. Sure, they got 50 Cent's back catalog on iTunes but the Nigga Teen Patches means that even young folk in the middle of mountain ranges can 'get their black on' as I believe the saying goes."

Do rags had to be legally labeled as blackmen's bandannas in Idaho until 1992, but in recent years more and more members of the younger generation have begun to sport them. The trend has baffled the few local black citizens we asked: "Do-rags are normally to keep waves or cornrows in place," black barber Montgomery Clift told us, "I don't know why the fuck a white person would need to wear one."

If entrepreneurship is based on identifying needs before anyone else, Dr Green might just be onto a winner. While white adolescents have no trichological need for the do-rags, Dr Green believes many will pay for the privilege of wearing headwear which is not only trendy, but also releases chemicals into the scalp intended to make the wearer more black. The exact recipe of chemicals is a secret, but is said to be a special blend of herbs and spices, vitamins, minerals, and cocoa butter.

Green said, "It's a beautiful business model. This is not like a hair-loss product, or Just for Men, or whatever. Here the user benefits immediately from putting the do-rag on - our research suggests people on the street find do-rag wearers up to 11% more black looking than non-do-rag wearers - and then we have the more complex, chemical effect from the patch inside, which functions as a second wave of customer satisfaction. With the ingestion of our special sauce, our clients will find themselves walking, talking, and acting blacker each day."

However, black civil rights groups have criticized the product, with a spokesman for Color of Change saying, "This is just the kind of reductive, offensive nonsense that we as a movement are trying to steer the country away from. Racial identity is something complex - especially in the US - and it is something that many of our members and other brothers and sisters have had to come to turns with. Issues about slavery and cultural heritage are sensitive because the after-effects of a bloody and oppressive past can be still be felt today, albeit to different extents in different contexts, and in a way which if often impossible to quantify. The idea that someone can change race, that they can 'turn' black simply by putting on a certain item of clothing, or applying a special sauce to their scalp with a patch, is as ridiculous and offensive to us as the hypothesis that putting a saddle on a man's back turns him into a horse."

What we think he really meant to say was, "Oh heeeell no!"

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This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.