UnNews:Congress votes to trademark 'United States of America'

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28 June 2012

Under the new law, the flag cannot be used without permission from the government... oops!
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WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In a 10–1 vote, the United States Congress has voted to brand all national symbols of the United States as intellectual property of the government. As such, America is now to be known as United States of America® or USA™.

"It's a first step in liberating the government's resources to the public," Speaker of the House John Boehner told an UnNews correspondent known by screen name "Cute Zekrom".

Here are a few things the new law covers:

  • The name United States of America is now a registered trademark of United States of America, Inc., and must only be used for informational purposes or in support of USA, Inc. In addition, it must be used with the registered trademark symbol ®. All other uses constitute a violation of the Patriotism Clause.
  • The Pledge of Allegiance is now copyrighted by the United States Department of Education, Ltd. and is only to be reproduced or distributed by second graders who are being brainwashed by the central government powers. All second graders are now required to participate in the pledge, and anyone who doesn't do it or makes up their own version of the pledge is in violation of applicable copyright law.
  • The American flag is also copyrighted by Betsy Ross, but that doesn't help since the copyright has already expired. In any case, flag desecration is not allowed.

Several other national symbols and pieces of legislation are now copyrighted. For example, the Constitution of the United States can't even be quoted for educational purposes, which is making teachers across the country angry.

President Barack Obama claims that the new law is unconstitutional because "it violates freedom of expression, and part of that right is to show national pride by displaying a pretty little flag in front of your house."

Obama himself is being investigated on charges of using the phrase one nation under God in a speech he gave after killing Osama bin Laden.

The thing that's really getting people fired up is that the average American couldn't care less that America™ is doing this to them. (Most of the people who are angry are Chinese.) Some say it's a conspiracy between McDonald's, the government and Exxon, citing corporate greed as the cause. Others say it's part of Obama's proposed austerity program.

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