9 November 2007
Topeka, Kansas: Earlier in the day, Dick Cheney and Carl Rove both decided that they wanted to go hunting with each other. They decided to go to those woods that they had their beer bong in the previous night. A few presidential aides went with our vice president, which probably wasn't a good thing. During their hunt, they decided to hunt on a deer platform for quail. While they were hunched down waiting for quail to appear, Cheney, who had taken up residence in a deer stand on the opposite side of the tree started randomly shooting a lot of shots off from his shotgun. A presidential aide on the ground had this to report to our UnNews staff after the fact, "All I could see was Cheney and a whole shitload of quail surrounding him. The quail were attacking Cheney and Cheney was trying to fend them off, but unfortunately, the quail won." While Cheney was trying to fend off the quail, he accidentally shot Rove in the back as Rove was trying to come over to his deer stand to help him fend off the quails. Cheney suffered major lacerations over the entirety of his body, as well as a ruined suit, paramedics at the local hospital said, "He looked fine, except for this here bullet we pulled out of his left temporal lobe." One of the doctors said, "I think that's the reason why he's not been able to do anything correctly for the past couple of weeks." Rove asked this question of our UnNews reporters on the scene: "Why did the quails attack Cheney?" He asked quietly, "What did Cheney ever do to quails?" The answer to that question is very widely known.