UnNews:Celebrities return to first loves

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16 February 2007

HOLLYWOOD, CA - The rich and famous, having earned enough money to do as they please, have surprised their adoring fans by returning to their first loves. The jobs that they performed when they were unknown and, often, dirt poor, were, curiously enough, often the ones that brought them the greatest satisfaction and sense of accomplishment. Now that they can do anything they want, more and more celebrities are taking time out of their busy lives to relive their past careers as they adopt the uniforms and duties of their first and best-loved jobs.

Oprah, back in the day

For Oprah Winfrey, this nostalgic return to things the way they used to be means that the talk show hostess will take a year’s sabbatical from her television duties to reprise her role as a reporter for a third-rate Nashville radio station, a job that pays $10.64 per hour, which is slightly less that the $225 million she earned in 2006. “I know it may seem foolish to some folks,” Winfrey said, “but I can’t help it: despite my African-American heritage, I’m just a redneck at heart.”

Spielberg (right) as an intern on Alien

For his part, producer Steven Spielberg plans to trade a year of his life and his approximately $332 million annual paycheck for working free as a Universal Studios intern. “It’ll be great,” he said, “taking crap from arrogant bastards with egos the size of Texas for nothing more than the privilege and honor of being spit on, metaphorically--and, in some cases, literally. I can’t wait!”

Hatcher, showing her 49er's pompoms

Teri Hatcher will reprise her role as a cheerleader for the San Francisco 49er’s, a position that pays from $15 to $50 per game. Last year, for each episode of the television sitcom Desperate Housewives that she cranked out, the actress received $285,000. “I’ll miss the camera,” the performer admitted, “but showing my panties to thousands of football fans for free--well, everything else pales by comparison.” Hatcher, with a naughty wink, told the team’s fans to keep a vigilant eye out, as she may, like Paris Hilton and Britney Spears, “forget to wear my panties once or twice during next year’s season.” In the unlikely event that the 49er’s make it to the Super Bowl in 2007, Hatcher promised, “expect the fill monty!”

Legal secretary and jail bait, Jennifer Lopez

Singing sensation Jennifer Lopez will return to the law firm for which she worked as a legal secretary, earning a paltry $39,130 per year instead of crooning to her spellbound listeners for a respectable annual income of $10 million. “I love legal jargon, which I think is fascinating, despite the fact that I don’t understand a word of it. When I hear ‘plaintiff’ and ‘defendant,’ my knees go weak, and ‘life without parole’ makes me--well, let’s just say it’s way more exciting than singing.”

Tom Cruise said he admires and respects his fellow actors and other celebrities who “take a moment” to revisit their pasts and contribute to their communities. When Unnews’ reporter Lotta Lies asked if he plans to do likewise, however, Cruise said, “What are you, f**king retarded?”

Tim Allen, convicted criminal

Another celebrity who wants no part in his peers' nostalgic reliving of their pasts is Tim Allen, the star of the old TV sitcom Home Improvement. Convicted of the possession of 1.4 pounds of cocaine and facing a possible life sentence, Allen ratted on his partner in return for a reduced sentence and ended up serving only two years and four months in the Big House Penitentiary. "Two years and four months is plenty, let me tell you, when your cellmate is Bubba the Bugger," Allen said. However, the gifted comedian did consider doing time again in 1997, when he was arrested for driving under the influence of alcohol and was sentenced to a year's probation. Instead of incarcerating him, the judge ordered him to seek counting, which, Allen said, "is just as bad, maybe worse," and, to this day, between gigs as a stand-up comedian, he is still searching for a counselor

Trips down Memory Lane aren’t as attractive to everyone, it would seem, as they are to some.

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