4 October 2007
Speaker of the House of Reprehensitives, Nancy Pelosi, speaking in response to the tragic shooting in Michigan amid early reports that an insane, gun loving, Jew hating MAN was responsible, proposed the banning of men from campus. "Guns don't kill people, men kill people." she said through an aide. "Look at all the terrorists from 9/11, they were all men. Attacking the world trade center was just a way to prove they had bigger penises than America". Despite early calls by the feminist community for a "penises for money" scheme, where penises would be exchanged for money. This has been fiercely opposed by the NPA (National Penis Association), who's leader Charlton Heston was heard exclaiming that they could take his penis "From my cold, dead hands!".
Elsewhere, there was a call for a 5-day waiting period before males were allowed on campus. NIH scientists said that an outright banning might be an overreaction and unnecessary as testosterone levels could be adjusted to make males, acceptable on campus. "Fine arts majors could be admitted early on to roam freely," said one bystander, "with English majors next, followed by arts, then science majors." It was unclear when football players would be permitted on campus, if ever.
- Fred "Down with dicks - a call to ban penises." CNN, 7/7/07