UnNews:Bill Cosby found guilty of every crime

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Thursday, April 26, 2018

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Seriously, does this guy look guilty to you?


Bill Cosby -- that Jello-loving, Kodak-film hawking serial rapist and former TV dad -- has been found guilty of every sexual offence ever known, after a 20-year investigation concluded early this morning.

Cosby, former host of Kids Say the Darnedest Things, and who helped the BBC develop the Handheld Toddler Impregnation Device (H.T.I.D), could be looking at 30 years in prison. I hope they serve Jello.

Cosby is appealing, which won't go very far, let me tell ya.

Cosby's family has also been sentenced to deportation for potentially acting as accomplices.

Cosby was first accused of drugging and sexual crimes circa 2015. His victims' claims go back anywhere from 2004 to the mid-1960s. These accusations predate the #MeToo movement that spawned from similar accusations against now-disgraced powerhouse producer Harvey Weinstein. Now, everyone and their mother is being accused of something, and that's all I'm gonna say about that.

Update[edit]

Tuesday, May 22, 2018

Bill Cosby has just been stripped of his citizenship. He is scheduled to be deported to Guantanamo Bay by the end of June 2018, according to some anonymous IP on satire Wiki Uncyclopedia, parent company of UnNews. But as you know, IP noobs are no more reliable than the blood-sucking vampires on Fox News.

Sources[edit]