UnNews:An open letter from God regarding the solar eclipse

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Monday, August 21, 2017

This is what it looks like when you don't pay for God to clear the clouds for you.
Hello my children. It is I; God. The creator of the universe, the power that runs everything, the... you know the rest.

I see there are a lot of people who are unable to see the solar eclipse because the clouds are blocking their view. I know that a solar eclipse is a once in a lifetime event that you'd want to witness with your own eyes but I'm not bending over backwards for those people by clearing the clouds so you can see the sun.

You had your chance to convince me to prevent the clouds from forming and it wasn't through prayer. You thought that praying to me for clear skies was going to help? I only use my power for people who pay me in currency; preferably USD.

Those people had the right idea to give me, God, a huge sum of money so they can have a perfect view of the solar eclipse; of course the people who gave me the money were highly wealthy, lived in mansions that had swimming pools and drove Lamborghini's in the backyard but God is not something that does shit for free. You can pray all you want, you can complain that God favors the bad people over the good people but the fact of the matter is that if God doesn't get that cold hard cash then God isn't doing shit.

That applies for anything else you might ask me to do. If you want me to cure you, your children's or any relatives' illness then you must pay up; if you children's prayers to me to not go unheeded, then you better pay up; if you want your dead family members or loved ones to get into heaven then by all means you better fucking pay up or I will send them to hell regardless of how many good deeds they did.

You think hell is where I send all the sinners and bad people? It's where I send anybody who's relatives or family members are unable to pay God to admit them to heaven.

If you think I'm going to clear the clouds now? Tough shit, the window for giving me money for my services has passed and you shall only witness the solar eclipse through viewing it on TV or watching a web stream somewhere. You missed out on your chance to witness it in real life and now you'll have to sit through tons of ads in which I'll get 95% of the cut.

You may think that you can do without me but the truth is, you need me in your life and I hope you start saving up for the next solar eclipse which won't be until 2045. Maybe at that time will you finally have enough money to pay God so I can clear the clouds and provide you with an unobstructed view of the solar eclipse; if you don't, then the sky will be cloudy. Who knows, I might make it a rainy day.

Do not bother to pray to me hoping I'll be compassionate; I am a business first and foremost and I make $200 million every 2 months from people needing my services. I don't mean to brag but right now I have billions more than Apple, the US government and all the major banks combined; and that's with a capital B!

I take PayPal, Bitcoin, all major credit/debit cards and direct bank transfer. God will work out the right price for you for whatever service you require; just call me up and we'll work something out. If you're not rich enough to afford my services, don't bother calling.

May all my children stay blessed; and I do not mean the ones who can't afford my services. Leave me alone, I will not do miracles for you.