Toby Hamilton
Toby Ferdinand Hamilton (May 17, 2001-November 25, 2007) is was a famous American biologist, botanist, oceanographer, and adventurer.
Early Life[edit | edit source]
Toby Hamilton was born into a middle class family on May 17th 2001 in Hebron, Nebraska. Hamilton was reportedly very interested in bugs, and in particular bug torture at a very early age. By the age of two, squishing the guts out of stinkbugs had become his favorite hobby, but Toby comments that that wasn't enough to quell his budding sadistic urges. In September 2003 he performed his first real experiment when he poured bubble soap on a fat green caterpillar to see what would happen. The experiment did not go as planned, however, as rather than transforming the caterpillar into a bubble and floating away into the sky as he hypothesized, the ugly green bug simply died and turned a whitish pale color because of the bleach. Hamilton, a staunch enviromentalist, is good to the environment and always recycles; Hamilton fed the body of the caterpillar to fireants in another experiment.
Butterfly Butter Project[edit | edit source]
While it was not his first experiment, the famed butterfly butter project became Hamiltons first claim to fame. On April 12th 2004 Hamilton conducted the experiment that would change his life. Hamilton said this on the famous experiment: “I had this butterfly in my net and I thought, what if a butterfly couldn’t fly? Would it become butter? That was my hippopotamus. But when I finished the research it didn’t turn into butter. It was just a little stick that rolled around when I blew on it. It was funny.”
Books[edit | edit source]
Toby was a distinguished author, writing often about his work and life; all of this despite the handicap of being totally illiterate.
- My life with Jake Lloyd (On his sensual relationship with the actor of Star Wars fame.)
- Butterfly: The Toby Hamilton Story.
- How to abort bug fetuses (College Treatise on bug-abortions.)
Government Funding[edit | edit source]
Toby Hamilton became a household name when on July 5th 2007 he became the youngest scientist to ever receive government funding. Hamilton received $20,000 in subsidies for his continuing research in the field of insect torture. The money came as a result of a request written on the back of a page from a Pokemon coloring book sent by Hamilton himself to the state government of Nebraska in Lincoln. This was originally sent back to Hamilton with a note saying "Your submitted documents require your mommy's signature within." His request was finally granted in full after sending in the signed version.
Criticism[edit | edit source]
One of Hamiltons most vocal critics had been his own father. Toby Hamilton's father Stephen said this after being asked if he is proud of his child by a reporter: "I was hoping for Toby to get into sports and play little league so I could live my life vigorously through him. But at this rate he's just going to go off and turn into a serial killer - just like his older brother."
Death[edit | edit source]
On November 25, 2007, Toby Hamilton shot himself when he thought he was pregnant with his imaginary friend Herschel, who had been helping him with various state funded projects such as How to Leave Every Every Child Behind. He reportedly shot himself in the mouth with a Civil War era musket. His mommy buried him in a cornfield not far from Lincoln, Nebraska. The current location of Hamilton's body is unknown.