This article may be Overly British.
Americans may not understand humour, only humor. Canadians and Australians may not understand anything at all. Don't change a thing to remedy this.
The Time Team, T-Team, or Temp Grex for short are a gang of thieves - or treasure looters who live as diggers of Fortune - created by the United Kingdom's Channel Four in 1994. Every second new moon, Channel Four sends the Time Team out for three consecutive nights, when the team are required to hunt for treasure to either fund Channel 4's other, poorly rating television programming or to financially support numerous racism accusations.
- Tony 'I love it when a cunning Plan comes together' Robinson is the leader of this band of mercenaries. Just because he's been on TV before, this somehow makes him the authority on digging up the 'spoils'. The others just ignore him as he knows shit about digging - He thought Geofizz was a next morning pick-me-up. (It is now - see below) He has a big nose for hunches - which is just as well.
- Mick 'Uncle Albert' Aston is the weatherman who predicts when its going to piss down while their diggin ditches, Mick picks the best weekend to get shat on so they can go down t'Pub and discuss what they could have dug - could they be arsed. His Sweaters are now more famous than Bettys Hotpot who (along with Noel edmonds) which make him a sought after fashion Guru like Gok Wan.
- Phil 'Woody' Hardin is the lead drinker in the group and champion banjo player, he can down a keg of Scrumpy and still dig a ditch regardless of whether its in the right field or the golf course. His Bleeding Banjo string incident in 2005 caused a bit of trouble for Channel fours censors, but after Tony stuck his face in the Camera to block out the
Sunview, the audience complaints were diverted to Tonys features up close than anything less obscene.
The usual Long weekend from their day jobs consist of three-night in the following format:
- 7pm: drink bitter and lagers at the local pub, before proceeding to enjoy a $5 Parma and Pot.
- 9pm: Howling at the invisible moon.
- 10pm: The Archaeological Geophysicists do their black magic dressed in animal skins and the hair plucked from Phil's sideburns.
- 10.15pm: The 'Yard of ale' competition.
- 10.30pm: The geofizz results are given to the team leader, Rex Antoninus Robinsonius, former commander of the infamous Captain Slack Bladder.
- 11pm: More howling at the invisible moon.
- 11.30pm: A pint of Brasso that's been filtered through a slice of bread is enjoyed by all.
- Midnight: Half-hour nap.
- 12:30am: Morning Smoke-O No. 1.
- 1am: Crop circle making until 5am.
- 5am: Sleep off hangover in the local stomach pumping ward.
- 7pm: Kidnap children from their beds.
- 8pm: Force kidnapped children into digging pits in areas targeted by the 'geofizz' results.
- 8.30am: Celebrate with a yard of meths.
- 5am: Make money angels in the recovered archaeological loot.
- 5:30am: Return kidnapped children to their homes, scared but otherwise unharmed.
- 6am: Pagan Roman religious sacrifice of one tenth of the recovered loot.
- 6.30pm: Wake up and have Xtra Strong lager and cornflakes.
- 7pm: Clean all loot.
- 8pm: Write reports on what they found.
- 10pm: That evil guy from Antiques Roadshow estimates the values of the recovered loot.
- 10.15pm: Search and resulting disembowelment of evil guy from Antiques Roadshow after attempted robbery.
- Midnight: Liasing with public; kidnapping a crazy man with a camera and implant weird memories of aliens into the man's brain, creating yet another UFO conspiracy theorist for us all to laugh at (god bless the Time Team).
- 2am: Releasing the kidnapped man back into the wild.
- 4am: Arrive with recovered loot in London, England, where they sell the loot to the Queen of the United Kingdom through English Heritage.
- 5am: Return to Channel 4 headquarters, where the team gives the cash to Channel 4 executives.
- 7am: Celebrate with a drink Phil's 'Megadeth' illegal hooch.
During routine Survey for 'Some Roman Latrines' , the team discovered a large dark spot on the geofizz results, (although initially they thought it was a beer stain. Tony has 'a cunning plan' and decided to take the initiave and said 'fuck it - lets dig this shit' After the others ignoring him and expecting it to be a fridge-freezer from the AD1980, The discovery of the Decade was found in the form of the Lost Ark. Using the royalties for the Rental of the ark for major wars, exhibitions and kids parties, the team can now finance channel 4 to continue the series and beat Last of the Summer Wine as the longest running program on the telly.
The T-Team now boast the following as their list of significant discoveries:
- 1994: A piece of Pottery from Cleopatras spit bowl
- 1996: Two brass Coins from Gaul with some guy called Asterix on it.
- 1997: A Roman Toilet flush mechanism and 'The Ark of the Covenant'
- 1998: A new pub on the Road to Bath
- 1999: The Holy Grail
- 2000: Lord Lucan
- 2001: Burial ground of the Knights who say 'Ni'
- 2002: A (still) fermented cask of Cider (See DVD special)
- 2004: A new Sweater for Mick
- 2005: A landfill site with 1 million copies of Atari's ill fated ET game (see Ebay)
- 2006: A pub that sell Scrumpy Jack on draught
- 2007: Victoria Beckams second Album (safely demolished by the local bomb desposal Regiment).
- 2008: Shergar the Horse
- 2009: Nazi gold cache from Balmoral Castle
- 2010: Recipe for Betty's Hotpot
Sydication and Merchandise
Eager to cash in on their fame and fortunes, the 'Team' now Offer the following on their storepage:
- Geofizz - Popular drink - gets you pissed when you run out of Scrumpy (Warning: classified as a Date rape substance in the US & Canada)
- Micks 'Fun' Sweaters - Loved by mums, Grandads and Noel Edmonds afficiendos
- Baldricks Wart - Limited Edition - get it while you still can.
- Dirt from a Roman Siege trench - No Honest its the real stuff.
- Chocolate Coins - perfect stocking filler - best before AD1992
- Blackadder the first - The weakest of the Four series is still a bargain at £2.99
- Phil Hardin's Woody Two Shoes - Adult film from 1973 (Featuring a walk on by John Holmes)
- Time Team - Real Ale Festival Guide - 1996 - Still available - get it as Mick's got tons of them