Thumb twiddling is an ancient form of martial arts, also known as thumb fu. Though rivaling the five-point palm exploding heart technique in its power and efficacy, thumb twiddling is much harder to learn. Very few thumb twiddling masters exist today. It is, however, a form of martial artistry which focuses on honor, and as a result has slowly gained respect in many nations of the world.
The true origins of thumb fu are cloudy and uncertain. It is largely believed to have been invented by Thomas Porker, and his husband Fatt Shelf, though scholars believe that they merely popularized it. The most likely inventors probably were Tibetan monks, who had unusual amounts of time on their hands and who thus were more disposed towards twiddling their thumbs.
At any rate, Pai Mei today is a leading user of thumb fu. However, he hates absolutely everything, even thumb fu, and he has openly professed his hatred towards thumb twiddling and has campaigned to have it banned. The most likely reason for his failure is the power of the Republican Party in the United States government. Because Republicans have their thumbs up their asses, their thumbs have naturally become much stronger to survive the harsh conditions they face. Many Republicans become thumb twiddling masters as a result.
How to Twiddle One's Thumbs
Twiddling one's thumbs is accomplished by rotating each thumb in a circle around the other thumb. Though sounding simple, it actually is extraordinarily difficult. The point is to use the motion of the thumbs to create a butterfly effect. This must be perfectly calculated so that a hurricane forms right over the opponent. Practitioners must have a superb understanding of trigonometry and calculus to even be able to hope to perform this task. Years of training are required to master thumb fu.
Opponents of Thumb Twiddling
Thumb twiddling has gained many enemies over the years. Most of them assert that it is not an actual physical discipline, and is simply a worthless activity. However, these people have never experienced first-hand the power of thumb fu. Thumb fu opponents include:
- George Bush. Though he ironically is the leader of the Republican Party, he never mastered thumb twiddling himself. Because he failed at thumb fu, he is highly envious of the discipline.
- Pai Mei. Though a master at thumb twiddling, he absolutely abhors it.
- Kittens, angry at their lack of opposable thumbs and of the thumb’s vital role in kitten huffing.
- Daleks. They have no thumbs, and will exterminate thumb twiddlers on sight.
Attempts to Ban Thumb Fu
Thumb twiddling entails great risk, mostly because of the unpredictable nature of the butterfly effect. This is the main motivation that has led soccer moms to try to ban it. Democrats, though apathetic towards thumb twiddling, want to get rid of it to spite the Republicans. Pai Mei just wants to ban it because he's a sadist. However, all attempts to ban thumb fu have failed because of its glamorization in the United States, and its wide-spread usage by the Republicans.
Thumb Twiddling in Popular Culture
Thumb twiddling, as a result of its popularity, has naturally made its way into the culture of the United States. References to thumb fu have become commonplace, and appear in many areas of popular culture. Here are some examples.
“Put a gun against his head, twiddled my thumbs and now he’s dead.”
“Shout, shout, twiddle your thumbs. These are the things I could do without.”
“He’s a thumb fu wizard, and plays real good. The thumb fu wizard has such a supple wrist.”
In the historical-fiction work Harry Pouter, the birth name of the Dark Lord is Tom Twiddle, who was renowned in Hogwarts for his twiddling proficiency.
In Lewis Carroll’s classic work Pumice in Wonderland, the names of the two antagonists are Twiddle Dee and Twiddle Dum, who chase after Pumice while twiddling their thumbs.