The Kentucky Derby

The Kentucky Derby is an annual event held in Louisville, Kentucky, in which jockeys and their horses must get to the finish line before getting killed by gunfire, explosions and other dangerous things. On the day the derby takes place, Colonel Sanders makes KFC free for a day to the residents of Kentucky.

Creation

The Kentucky Derby was created by Johnny B. Goode on May 6, 1875. He figured that people would love to see people on horses running away from impending doom, and he was right. On the first event of the Kentucky Derby ever, thousands of people poured into Churchill Downs to see the exciting race. The winner of the first race was a man named D.B. Cooper. Cooper had sustained serious injuries but managed to push through and win, his reward was free KFC for life and a lifetime supply of dynamite.

Now this is exciting!

Kill count and injuries

The very first Kentucky Derby had 20 riders, in which 13 of them were killed either by gunfire, explosives, or a massive heart attack due to the stress of the two minute race. Every jockey and horse was injured with gunshot wounds, burn wounds, and just about every injury you can think of.

Celebrity appearances

In the Kentucky Derby for the year 2000, Johnny Knoxville entered the derby to film for the television show, Jackass.

At the start of the race, the referee fired the pistol to begin the race, which hit Knoxville in the stomach. Knoxville's horse kept going though but Knoxville soon fell off, which prompted audience members to throw TNT at Knoxville, he saw this and started running away, but didn't notice the horses coming back around and was soon trampled by all of the horses. This caused a massive pile-up among the horses and riders. All of them were 20 feet from the finish line but they were getting shot and were getting explosives thrown at them. Nobody survived this race and is the most controversial horse race of all time.

The Queen of England showed up to one of the races, where she was hit by a ricochet bullet, shooting her ear off.

O.J. Simpson showed up to the derby and was thrown into the track by audience members.

Official rules

1. Riders must reach the finish line (alive) to qualify for a place.
2. In the event of a death or injury, nothing is stopped and the injured person will most likely die a terrible death.
3. After the race is finished, KFC is thrown onto the track and will be eaten by the jockeys.
4. The winner gets a lifetime supply of dynamite and ice cream.
5. The jockey who places second will get a kitten and a handgun.
6. The jockey who places third gets a couple of doubloons.
7. Any jockey who places below third will be burnt at the stake.
8. At random intervals, a Chevrolet Corvette will be released on the track, and is allowed to run over the horses and jockeys.
9. If at any time, a jockey decides to abandon the race and run away to save their life, they will be hunted down by the Terminator.
10. One doctor, seven ducks, one wife, three kids, one referee, 10 pounds of highly addictive opioid infused bird seed, 60 minutes, 42 minutes with commercial breaks, six guns, one bullet. This has nothing to do with the race, ignore this rule.