Tennessee Valley Authority

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to: navigation, search
Bouncywikilogo.gif
For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Tennessee Valley Authority.
Tennessee Valley Authority
TVA
Tva-flag.png Pork-barrel-01.png
(Flag) (Coat of Arms)
Motto: Dig dig dig dig dig...
Anthem: "Working in a Coal Mine"

The Tennessee Valley Authority (a.k.a. TVA) is a United States sanctioned Monopoly® on all goods and services produced and/or consumed within the mighty commonwealth state of Tennessee. The TVA is currently the only thing preventing Tennessee from becoming a third-world country dominated by inbred moonshine-swilling hicks and uneducated rednecks and... (wait a minute...)

Origins of the Tennessee Valley Authority[edit]

Many millions of years ago, Tennessee was overwhelmed by the pristine beauty of the Appalachian Mountain Range, rendering the primitive state virtually impassable for motor vehicles. Finally, in 1933, what with the dawn of REALLY BIG GOVERNMENT and the rising Democratic Party and global fascism, president Franklin "D" Roosevelt (D) unilaterally drafted and signed the Tennessee Valley Authority Authorization Act (TVAAA), which granted the entire population of Tennessee the necessary authority and demolition equipment to tear down all those fucking-ugly unwanted mountains and replace them with an enormous valley the likes of which the world had never seen (or even heard of). Federally-funded construction of the technologically-advanced hole in the ground continued apace well into the 21st century, and currently threatens to engulf the economic livelihood of many other well-to-do regions (such as Silicon Valley, China, and West Virginia).

Energy management of the Tennessee Valley Authority[edit]

Tennessee used to be rife with natural gas and natural petroleum and anthracitic coal mines and nuclear reactors and free sunshine. However, all of that ended with the onset of the Great Depression; the average Tennesseean could barely get out bed in the morning to face yet another dreary day at the damned office, let alone exploit Tennessee's vast surpluses of all-natural energy reserves. Thus it was left up to the newly-formed TVA to declare martial law and fix all prices and wages in the entire state to entirely arbitrary values before anybody else got wise. After getting rid of all those damned inconvenient mountains and trees and wild rabbits and selling them all for worthless gravel, the TVA soon struck it rich by exposing a vast underground pool of molten lava, which went immediately into the mass-production of molten-lava lamps, thereby illuminating the entire state in a searing-hot reddish glow for the first time in history. And thus was the mighty lava-powered Tennessee Empire forged.

Economics of the Tennessee Valley Authority[edit]

The founding document of the Tennessee Valley Authority allows the legal inhabitants of Tennessee to use whatever they jolly well please for currency, including (but not limited to) silver, copper, pennies, gold-plated anvils, livestock, dead pigs, scraps of colored paper printed with random numbers, leftover pizza, Federal Reserve Notes, petrified cheese, and/or indentured servants. Over the last century, the GDP of the region has shown a consistent growth rate similar to the unchecked spread of athlete's foot fungus found in a typical boy's locker-room.

Consumer products produced by the Tennessee Valley Authority[edit]

Products invented and produced by the Tennessee Valley Authority have no known rivals elsewhere. Therefore, the entire state of Tennessee needs to import nothing at all (with the sole exception of additional indentured servants and Federal Social Security checks). Exports legally mandated by the TVA, on the other hand, are exported with wild abandon, resulting in huge festering piles of unwanted goods and unwanted children and unwanted Android apps, carelessly tossed over the state's jealously-unguarded borders.

Feeble justification for the Tennessee Valley Authority[edit]

Many critics have unfairly criticized the Tennessee Valley Authority for being the over-bloated Congressionally-supported cesspool of deficit spending that it has become today. On the other hand, the benefits of distracting the unthinking critics of the TVA with discount laptops and free porn which is pretty awesome seeing how all those huge naked breasts manage to look so well oiled and pert and bouncy after what seems like endless hours of steaming-hot love-making.

See also[edit]