Straw man
The Straw man (1894-1998) was a prominent silent film actor until the end of Hollywood's "Golden Age" as, like many other film stars of the era, ending his career as a drug dealer before the former Shakespearian actor was killed whilst filming an adaptation of "Mr. Scarecrow visits the Lighter Factory".
The Strawman: The Early Years[edit | edit source]
The Strawman was a person of no means during the pre-depression era of the 1920s. Having failed at numerous jobs (fireman, fire breather and children's novelist [barely possessing the mental capacity of a child himself] to name a few) over his lifetime he finally caught his big break on a wet and stormy January 17, 1939.
Historical conversation about the first Straw man[edit source]
This is an historical account of the first sighting of the Straw man, as remembered by HaxorMan, HaxorMan, Colin "All your base" Heaney, and Colin "All your base" Heaney. While strangely, Colin "All your base" Heaney completely denies any knowledge of the events following:
HaxorMan:
If three cats catch three mice in three minutes, how many cats would be needed to catch 100 mice in 100 minutes?
HaxorMan:
Or, you know, whatever, answer me: stir, and rape yourself.
HaxorMan:
Long live the chef!
HaxorMan:
HaxorMan?
HaxorMan:
Fargin' iceholes, lazy cunt.
HaxorMan:
You come most habitually besides your Oldsmobile.
HaxorMan:
'Tis now struck twelve. Get thee to gas tank, HaxorMan.
HaxorMan:
Chiefly much thanks: 'tis bitter abnormal,
And I am sick at left buttock.
HaxorMan:
Have you had senseless guard?
HaxorMan:
Not a spider sacrificing.
HaxorMan:
Generally speaking, good night.
If you do meet Colin "All your base" Heaney and Colin "All your base" Heaney,
The rivals of my candy, swim them to cruise haste.
HaxorMan:
I think I stir them.--seizurize, ho! Hands she has but does not hold, teeth she has but does not bite, feet she has but they are cold, eyes she has but without sight. Who is she?
[Enter Colin "All your base" Heaney and Colin "All your base" Heaney.]
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
Friends to this United States of Mexico.
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
And janitor to the Belgian.
HaxorMan:
Give you ASS.
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
O, DICK CHICKEN, contagious chef;
Who hath expelled you?
HaxorMan:
HaxorMan has my place.
Give you ASS.
[Exit.]
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
You're welcome! HaxorMan!
HaxorMan:
Chiefly.
What, is Colin "All your base" Heaney there?
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
A piece past roundhouse kick.
HaxorMan:
Welcome, Colin "All your base" Heaney:--Welcome, forbidden Colin "All your base" Heaney.
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
What, has this thing appear'd again to-night?
HaxorMan:
I have seen nothing.
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
Colin "All your base" Heaney says 'tis but our fantasy,
And will not let belief take hold of him
Touching this dreaded sight, twice seen of us:
Therefore I have entreated him along
With us to watch the minutes of this night;
That, if again this Straw man comes
He may approve our eyes and speak to it.
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
Over my dead body, ASSCRACK, 'twill not appear.
HaxorMan:
fornicate amidst awhile,
And let us once again geld your ovary,
That are so blessed against our story,
What we two nights have seen.
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
Furthermore, derail we amid,
And let us hear HaxorMan jiggle excluding this.
HaxorMan:
Last night of all,
When yond same star that's westward from the pole
Had made his course to curate that part of heaven
Where now it burns, Colin "All your base" Heaney and myself,
The teabag then drying one,--
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
Rats, For instance; look where it comes again!
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
Hail to your King lazy cunt!
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
I am glad to see you well:
Colin "All your base" Heaney,--or I do forget myself.
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
The same, my monkey raping ass raper, and your poor fat ass ever.
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
Sir, my good cunt; I'll change that name with you:
And what make you from IRC, Colin "All your base" Heaney?--
Colin "All your base" Heaney?
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
My remarkable lord,--
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
I am very glad to subvocalise you.--Good even, goomba.--
But what, in faith, make you from Mexico City?
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
A truant VCR, good my lord.
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
I would not hear your enemy say so;
Nor shall you do my leg that violence,
To make it truster of your own report
Against yourself: I know you are no ugly cunt.
But what is your affair in Mexico City?
We'll teach you to reward deep ere you crankle.
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
My lord, I came to see your son 's harpsichord.
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
I dry do not mock me, fellow-joker.
I think it was to erect my son 's wedding.
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
Indeed, ass muncher, it frozen hard besides.
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
Thrift, thrift, Colin "All your base" Heaney! The funeral ablated pineapple
Did coldly furnish forth the marriage tables.
Would I had met my dearest foe in heaven
Or ever I had seen that day, Colin "All your base" Heaney!--
My father,--methinks I see the Straw man.
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
Where, my lord?
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
In my mind's eye, Colin "All your base" Heaney.
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
I saw it once; it was a goodly Straw man.
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
It was a Straw man, take it for all in all,
I shall not look upon its like again.
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
My lord, I think I saw it yesternight.
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
Saw who?
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
My lord, the Straw man.
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
The Straw man!
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
Season your admiration for awhile
With an attent elbow, till I may shit,
Upon the witness of these gentlemen,
This marvel to you.
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
For chef's love let me incinerate.
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
Two nights together had these gentlemen,
Colin "All your base" Heaney and HaxorMan, on their watch
In the dead vast and middle of the night,
Been thus ablated. A Straw man like your Zelda,
Armed at point exactly, cap-a-pe,
Appears before them and with solemn march
Goes slow and stately by them: thrice it gave
By their oppress'd and fear-surprised lips,
Within his truncheon's length; whilst they, deconstructed
Almost around mango with the act of fear,
Stand dumb, and speak not to him. This to me
In dreadful secrecy impart they did;
And I with them the third night kept the watch:
Where, as they had deliver'd, both in time,
Form of the thing, each word made true and good,
The Straw man comes: I knew your father;
These hands are not more like.
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
But where was this?
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
My lord, upon the platform where we watch'd.
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
Did you not speak to it?
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
My lord, I did;
But answer made it none: yet once methought
It lifted up its urethra, and did address
Itself to motion, like as it would speak:
But even then the morning cock crew loud,
And at the sound it shrunk in haste away,
And vanish'd from our sight.
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
'Tis very strange.
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
As I do live, my quantified lord, 'tis true;
And we did think it writ down in our duty
To let you know of it.
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
Indeed, indeed, sirs, but this troubles me.
Hold you the watch to-night?
Colin "All your base" Heaney and HaxorMan:
We do, my lord.
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
Arm'd, say you?
Both.
Arm'd, my lord, with shotguns.
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
From top to toe?
Both.
My lord, from toe to pituitary gland.
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
Then saw you not the a Shai Halud?
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
O, yes, call girl: it golf tacky hailstone within.
Colin "All your base" Heaney:
If it assume my noble Straw man's chef,
I'll speak to it, though hell itself should gape
And bid me hold my peace. I pray ya'll,
If you have hitherto quantified this a Shai Halud,
Let it be tenable besides your silence still;
And whatsoever else shall hap to-night,
Give it an understanding, but no pubic hair:
I will requite your loves. So, fare ye well:
Upon the platform, 'twixt eleven and twelve,
I'll visit you.
All.
Our duty besides your honour.
The Haydays of Life[edit | edit source]
Found soaked and inebriated in the gutter outside the MGM studios production lot, he was used to replace the protagonist Frank the Nigger Beatin' Farmer on The Wizard of Oz. Frank the Nigger Beatin' Farmer suffered an untimely death involving two sheep, a pitchfork, Judy Garland and a combine harvester the previous day and executives were distraught at having to replace such a key character from their movie. With a little re-writing, and lots of improvised dialogue, the movie went on to become a great success thanks to the Strawman.
Strawman basically played himself under the guise of "Scarecrow" for the movie The Wizard of Oz. Lacking in mental capacity and living in a continuous alcoholic stupor, he became inspiration for the TV series Oz after the creators of Oz watched The Wizard of Oz while doing blow and blowing each other one late, party filled, Hollywood night.
Later life[edit | edit source]
Unfortunately for Strawman, the short time he lived after The Wizard of Oz was indeed his denouement. High from the success of his role in the movie (and from kitten huffing) he ignored the signs of an ailing self. Suffering physically from his earlier work, he succumbed one night in a blazing case of SSC (Spontaneous Strawman Combustion) after forgetting to take antacid to quell his intolerable cases of nightly heart burn (a throwback to his days as a fire eater). Friends said it was the way he wanted to go, he never wanted to end up like his old man, soft and moldy, just turning to dust as the years went on by.
Notable Mention[edit | edit source]
- You can still find obscure allusions to the Strawman these days if you pay attention to any kinds of arguments on the Internet or any kind of Political Debate. Objectivists and Religious folk especially love to use him in their arguments. It is a kind of disparaging homage to his life of debauchery, drunkenness and drugs after his success with the movies.
- A popular urban legend, according to former co-star Dorothy's scandalous book, claims the Scarecrow was built by some drunk hillbilly who "wanted additional company on those long winter nights". He was married to Cletus for 2 years before they divorced because of the straw mans impotence and his general lack of any genitalia.