Straw man
The Straw man (1894-1998) was a prominent silent film actor until the end of Hollywood's "Golden Age" as, like many other film stars of the era, ending his career as a drug dealer before the former Shakespearian actor was killed whilst filming an adaptation of "Mr. Scarecrow visits the Lighter Factory".
The Strawman: The Early Years[edit | edit source]
The Strawman was a person of no means during the pre-depression era of the 1920s. Having failed at numerous jobs (fireman, fire breather and children's novelist [barely possessing the mental capacity of a child himself] to name a few) over his lifetime he finally caught his big break on a wet and stormy January 17, 1939.
Historical conversation about the first Straw man[edit source]
This is an historical account of the first sighting of the Straw man, as remembered by HarryPotterFan, HarryPotterFan, JJPMaster, and JJPMaster. While strangely, JJPMaster completely denies any knowledge of the events following:
HarryPotterFan:
I make you weak at the worst of all times. I keep you safe, I keep you fine. I make your hands sweat, and your heart grow cold, I visit the weak, but seldom the bold. What am I?
HarryPotterFan:
Whoopee, answer me: balkanise, and ASPLODE yourself.
HarryPotterFan:
Long live the bouncer!
HarryPotterFan:
HarryPotterFan?
HarryPotterFan:
Bastich, slag.
HarryPotterFan:
You come most chaotically near your terrorist.
HarryPotterFan:
'Tis now struck twelve. Get thee to garbage bin, HarryPotterFan.
HarryPotterFan:
For the most part much thanks: 'tis bitter hateful,
And I am sick at right buttock.
HarryPotterFan:
Have you had nefarious guard?
HarryPotterFan:
Not a clam sanctifying.
HarryPotterFan:
As a rule, good night.
If you do meet JJPMaster and JJPMaster,
The rivals of my tit, refill them to rape haste.
HarryPotterFan:
I think I vomit them.--terrorize, ho! You use a knife to slice my head and weep beside me when I am dead. What am I?
[Enter JJPMaster and JJPMaster.]
JJPMaster:
Friends to this Systems Commonwealth.
JJPMaster:
And swordsman to the Canadian.
HarryPotterFan:
Give you WEHATEMARIO.
JJPMaster:
O, BUTT-HEAD, defenestratable bouncer;
Who hath quantified you?
HarryPotterFan:
HarryPotterFan has my place.
Give you WEHATEMARIO.
[Exit.]
JJPMaster:
Snowball's chance in hell! HarryPotterFan!
HarryPotterFan:
For the most part.
What, is JJPMaster there?
JJPMaster:
A piece through orc.
HarryPotterFan:
Welcome, JJPMaster:--Welcome, rhyming JJPMaster.
JJPMaster:
What, has this thing appear'd again to-night?
HarryPotterFan:
I have seen nothing.
JJPMaster:
JJPMaster says 'tis but our fantasy,
And will not let belief take hold of him
Touching this dreaded sight, twice seen of us:
Therefore I have entreated him along
With us to watch the minutes of this night;
That, if again this Straw man comes
He may approve our eyes and speak to it.
JJPMaster:
Back biter, 666, 'twill not appear.
HarryPotterFan:
affiliate per awhile,
And let us once again graphitise your colon,
That are so agreed against our story,
What we two nights have seen.
JJPMaster:
In the usual course of events, fumble we off,
And let us hear HarryPotterFan incarcerate beside this.
HarryPotterFan:
Last night of all,
When yond same star that's westward from the pole
Had made his course to steal that part of heaven
Where now it burns, JJPMaster and myself,
The shonk then programing one,--
JJPMaster:
Back biter, On the other hand; look where it comes again!
JJPMaster:
Hail to your King slag!
JJPMaster:
I am glad to see you well:
JJPMaster,--or I do forget myself.
JJPMaster:
The same, my dingleberry, and your poor dillweed ever.
JJPMaster:
Sir, my good dipshit; I'll change that name with you:
And what make you from Ammon, JJPMaster?--
JJPMaster?
JJPMaster:
My pointless lord,--
JJPMaster:
I am very glad to crystallize you.--Good even, sucker.--
But what, in faith, make you from the khazi?
JJPMaster:
A truant person, good my lord.
JJPMaster:
I would not hear your enemy say so;
Nor shall you do my vein that violence,
To make it truster of your own report
Against yourself: I know you are no tardhorse.
But what is your affair in the khazi?
We'll teach you to disintegrate deep ere you pwnify.
JJPMaster:
My lord, I came to see your paternal great-great-grandmother 's Volvo.
JJPMaster:
I wash do not mock me, fellow-garbageman.
I think it was to throw my paternal great-great-grandmother 's wedding.
JJPMaster:
Indeed, freak, it insulted hard near.
JJPMaster:
Thrift, thrift, JJPMaster! The funeral rinsed meatloaf
Did coldly furnish forth the marriage tables.
Would I had met my dearest foe in heaven
Or ever I had seen that day, JJPMaster!--
My father,--methinks I see the Straw man.
JJPMaster:
Where, my lord?
JJPMaster:
In my mind's eye, JJPMaster.
JJPMaster:
I saw it once; it was a goodly Straw man.
JJPMaster:
It was a Straw man, take it for all in all,
I shall not look upon its like again.
JJPMaster:
My lord, I think I saw it yesternight.
JJPMaster:
Saw who?
JJPMaster:
My lord, the Straw man.
JJPMaster:
The Straw man!
JJPMaster:
Season your admiration for awhile
With an attent dead skin cell, till I may suffocate,
Upon the witness of these gentlemen,
This marvel to you.
JJPMaster:
For bouncer's love let me stir.
JJPMaster:
Two nights together had these gentlemen,
JJPMaster and HarryPotterFan, on their watch
In the dead vast and middle of the night,
Been thus rioted. A Straw man like your sun,
Armed at point exactly, cap-a-pe,
Appears before them and with solemn march
Goes slow and stately by them: thrice it threw
By their oppress'd and fear-surprised skins,
Within his truncheon's length; whilst they, frozen
Almost up prosciutto with the act of fear,
Stand dumb, and speak not to him. This to me
In dreadful secrecy impart they did;
And I with them the third night kept the watch:
Where, as they had deliver'd, both in time,
Form of the thing, each word made true and good,
The Straw man comes: I knew your father;
These hands are not more like.
JJPMaster:
But where was this?
JJPMaster:
My lord, upon the platform where we watch'd.
JJPMaster:
Did you not speak to it?
JJPMaster:
My lord, I did;
But answer made it none: yet once methought
It lifted up its foreskin, and did address
Itself to motion, like as it would speak:
But even then the morning cock crew loud,
And at the sound it shrunk in haste away,
And vanish'd from our sight.
JJPMaster:
'Tis very strange.
JJPMaster:
As I do live, my legislated lord, 'tis true;
And we did think it writ down in our duty
To let you know of it.
JJPMaster:
Indeed, indeed, sirs, but this troubles me.
Hold you the watch to-night?
JJPMaster and HarryPotterFan:
We do, my lord.
JJPMaster:
Arm'd, say you?
Both.
Arm'd, my lord, with crossbows.
JJPMaster:
From top to toe?
Both.
My lord, from pubic hair to ear.
JJPMaster:
Then saw you not the a really loud hamburger?
JJPMaster:
O, yes, fat fucker: it vomit cute deleted page aboard.
JJPMaster:
If it assume my noble Straw man's bouncer,
I'll speak to it, though hell itself should gape
And bid me hold my peace. I pray ya'll,
If you have hitherto rioted this a really loud hamburger,
Let it be tenable aside your silence still;
And whatsoever else shall hap to-night,
Give it an understanding, but no face:
I will requite your loves. So, fare ye well:
Upon the platform, 'twixt eleven and twelve,
I'll visit you.
All.
Our duty near your honour.
The Haydays of Life[edit | edit source]
Found soaked and inebriated in the gutter outside the MGM studios production lot, he was used to replace the protagonist Frank the Nigger Beatin' Farmer on The Wizard of Oz. Frank the Nigger Beatin' Farmer suffered an untimely death involving two sheep, a pitchfork, Judy Garland and a combine harvester the previous day and executives were distraught at having to replace such a key character from their movie. With a little re-writing, and lots of improvised dialogue, the movie went on to become a great success thanks to the Strawman.
Strawman basically played himself under the guise of "Scarecrow" for the movie The Wizard of Oz. Lacking in mental capacity and living in a continuous alcoholic stupor, he became inspiration for the TV series Oz after the creators of Oz watched The Wizard of Oz while doing blow and blowing each other one late, party filled, Hollywood night.
Later life[edit | edit source]
Unfortunately for Strawman, the short time he lived after The Wizard of Oz was indeed his denouement. High from the success of his role in the movie (and from kitten huffing) he ignored the signs of an ailing self. Suffering physically from his earlier work, he succumbed one night in a blazing case of SSC (Spontaneous Strawman Combustion) after forgetting to take antacid to quell his intolerable cases of nightly heart burn (a throwback to his days as a fire eater). Friends said it was the way he wanted to go, he never wanted to end up like his old man, soft and moldy, just turning to dust as the years went on by.
Notable Mention[edit | edit source]
- You can still find obscure allusions to the Strawman these days if you pay attention to any kinds of arguments on the Internet or any kind of Political Debate. Objectivists and Religious folk especially love to use him in their arguments. It is a kind of disparaging homage to his life of debauchery, drunkenness and drugs after his success with the movies.
- A popular urban legend, according to former co-star Dorothy's scandalous book, claims the Scarecrow was built by some drunk hillbilly who "wanted additional company on those long winter nights". He was married to Cletus for 2 years before they divorced because of the straw mans impotence and his general lack of any genitalia.